I swear, I’m going to kill someone by the end of this review. I don’t know who, but it certainly won’t be Claire. It will feel odd if I moan about direction this week, as “Betty’s Baby Bump” was Linda Mendoza’s only episode of Ugly Betty, for which she would also win an American Latino Media Arts Award for best direction. I also found out head hair stylist Mary Ann Valdes gets one for Ugly Betty and Twilight in 2009. Returning as the teleplay writer, this is Bill Wrubel’s penultimate-penultimate episode with two more from him next season. The story comes from Dawn DeKeyser.

Much like the opening track from Elton John’s Caribou album, I am back to be that queen everyone hates, as Charlie is back for the final time. Thank ffffff-Fox for taking her and putting her in Glee. We’re in the final stretch of whatever you call this mess where Charlie tries to actively ruin Betty’s love life with Henry and Henry still has his heart set on going back to Tucson. Meanwhile, at the not-willy Doctor, Christina gets her first trimester checkup and finds out she’s been fired up with dead old man juice.

If that wasn’t enough, Hilda is hot for teacher, specifically Justin’s gym teacher; Daniel has been out with Russian strippers after sleeping with his therapist (I’m sure Niles will be fine); and Betty is planning a baby shower. What could go wrong? I don’t know, me stabbing Charlie in the neck, shouting at Daniel to hurry up and find a blonde, and hugging Claire for putting some sense into our Betty. I guess two out of three ain’t bad.

As you might have guessed, “Betty’s Baby Bump” opens with our two hapless lovebirds having a romantic dinner date at Henry’s, only to be interrupted by Charlie coming back to the apartment after only 15 minutes away. I am going to buy him a new pair of specs in a minute so he can retroactively see that he could have got her a hotel room for the time she’s here. Yes, he’s a good accountant, but by Christ I am going to hit him to dislodge his brain from his backside, because that boy has no brains.

As Charlie once again takes every turn to be annoying, destructive, and a third word I can’t be bothered to find to describe how she’s ruining Betty’s and Henry’s life, she’s getting on my nerves more than that song. You know the one, about getting on your nerves. Not that it is much of a story/plotpoint, but once again we’re told they are in love with each other, and I mean they use the actual word love to describe how they feel about each other. If love truly is blind, that might explain their stupidity. However, we’ll get back to that.

Once she’s all cleaned up of that gel that feels nice and cold, Christina and Wilhelmina are talking to Rob Brownstein’s Dr Weiss about the baby’s first trimester. Once the wicked witch of the Upper East Side is gone, because she doesn’t actually care beyond getting control of Mode, Christina finally gets the truth about whose man juice it is that’s been fired up her like a Turkey at Thanksgiving. Quick, pretend to be shocked that it is Bradford Meade’s name on the paperwork, despite the fact I’m pretty sure you can still put “anonymous donor” on there.

With that info in mind, she’s done a runner to escape the witch and her flying monkey. To which I’ve got a bone to pick with someone! Whoever wrote that line “Oh, these Scottish types, no concern for time. If Tilda Swinton says…” needs to give their head a wobble. I’m not denying that Tilda Swinton is Scottish, but she was born in London, grew up a 20-minute drive from England in a mansion, and went to private school in Kent (England) with Diana Spencer. If you want a short-haired, somewhat androgynous Scottish woman, Annie Lennox is right there. Just saying.

Nevertheless, Christina has run back home to tell Stuart about the fact she’s been shot up with Bradford’s man milk, because clearly he can do something about it. As it turns out, the ex-alcoholic and druggie does have an idea: Fleece Wilhelmina for more money to keep Christina’s silence. I mean, it is a plot point that would have worked if Marc wasn’t already drafting up a press release about the baby’s announcement that is scheduled to be released soon. Indeed, you’d think an editor (or two) would have caught that.

Meanwhile, Daniel comes sauntering into a photoshoot meeting looking very 2008 metrosexual, only to find out he’s been the problem and why the meeting is breaking up before he gets there. Turns out, after Renee, he’s been out shagging everything with two pin-thin legs and a working heart rate, including the photographer for this upcoming shoot. Now she’s locked herself in a bathroom because Daniel didn’t call her afterwards. Something he’s been confronted about by his mother and sister, both suggesting he go to therapy for. Which is something Betty schedules and forces him into anyway.

You know how that story goes; it is all very paint-by-numbers, which I guess you could say about a lot of the episode. Not that this is entirely a bad thing, but when talking about it, talking about character motivations and how enjoyable it is to watch something like that, it does become difficult to rephrase the same story over and over. Nonetheless, Daniel goes to the therapist, flirts with her (shocker, she’s thin and blonde), she kicks him out, he comes back to “take it seriously,” and a few minutes later they’re on the couch stripping each other. Dr Sharon would never.

If one inappropriate relationship isn’t enough, Justin looks more stereotypical, moans about being asked to do gym class despite Hilda’s excuse letters. Listen, I get it, being active is kind of important to your overall health. Plus, American physical health isn’t exactly great at the best of times, never mind when Michelle Obama is coming in at the time to start promoting healthy eating due to the increased rise in child obesity. However, as someone with a doctor who gave orders to do no contact sports whatsoever and limited physical activity, someone needs to temper their BS.

Despite demanding Justin do physical activity before giving him detention for Hilda’s visit and continued refusal to participate, there is an obvious “I want to bang this guy” look in Hilda’s eyes. I don’t blame her. Eddie Cibrian is a very attractive man, probably best known for his time in Third Watch and Sunset Beach, as well as America’s crap remake of Footballers’ Wives. Even if he looks like a basketball extra from High School Musical here.

Trying to make amends, Hilda offers to cut his hair and proceeds to do what was done to me when I was quite young by cutting his ear. Yes, that is the type of thing that is traumatizing when you’re on blood thinners. Third time is the charm after Betty teases Hilda about liking him and that time she blew a guy in 9th grade… why yes, this is still an ABC show (Disney Entertainment Television), why do you ask? She goes to find out Tony’s first name, apologize, maybe get Justin out of trouble, and if Tony is lucky, she might get sucky.

So with Betty wanting to stab Charlie (we’ll do it together sister!), she gets a “great” idea. She’s just told Daniel that doing the same thing (shagging everything with a heartbeat) doesn’t change anything; you need to pull your finger out and do stuff differently. So with that in mind, Betty tries a different approach with this ginger witch and joins her in her prenatal yoga class. Cue the unresponsive and aggressive side of Charlie to come out against Betty, and Betty decides not to take the hint, so she throws a baby shower. Get me an angle grinder; I need to take my own face off.

Why, just why are you doing this, woman? “Oh, if I do this, Charlie and I can become friends, and I’ll get to spend time with Henry.” No, that’s not how this works; she’s crazy and doesn’t know how to regulate her emotions and actions, plus she’s hormonal from pregnancy. It is only Claire who pinches Betty’s arm very hard and tells her this. These aren’t dumb characters by nature, but their actions are. It is sometimes baffling when you put a little bit of critical thought behind it, but it feels like a lot of characters are doing before thinking.

Hilda goes in guns blazing (I shouldn’t say it, but it is an American school) to get Justin out of class instead of looking for a compromise, then is distracted by Captain sexy jawline and plump cheeks (the other ones). Only after the drama does a compromise get suggested, and not by the mother. Daniel goes to therapy and immediately flirts with a Halloween costume of a sexy therapist, returning and almost immediately shagging her there and then. A lot of drama comes from that doing before thinking, and very rarely of late is thinking done beforehand.

So with Betty organizing the baby shower, there is only one conclusion to this. Amanda shows up uninvited and annoys Charlie to the point she’s creating puddles in the dining room. This after saying that Betty didn’t get the right food, the water is too wet, her breathing is too loud, her breathing is too quiet, existing in the first place is enough to annoy her, carrots are too stiff, and several other things I could make up. The food one is real though; she got Betty to fly in Tamales, first class, from Tucson. Can I stab her yet?

There is a difference between a good villain/antagonist and whatever this is; mostly the fact they feel believable but also their story itself feels justified. Betty does nothing but nice things this time out, maybe bemoans the pregnant woman being snippy and horrible but mostly nice. What reason does Charlie have to berate this baby shower Betty has organized in 24 hours? The fact she’s been sleeping with Henry.

I am not even joking this time; the justification for Charlie cheating on Henry was “you two were so close,” and the reason for this crappy behavior now is “I hate you because you’re with Henry and I can no longer be with him.” What is he, 12 inches and it has a curve or something? Might I mention once again, Henry was ready to bribe a mother and her “sixteen-year-old” to keep it quiet that Daniel slept with the young woman.

Henry is as romantic as a piece of paper with a dead bug on it. He’s socially inept, not a good person, and has actively chased a relationship while deciding to move back to Tucson that will kill said relationship. He got someone pregnant and is chasing a relationship with someone else while the first woman is pregnant, and he’s endlessly jealous about the same woman he’s currently in a short-term relationship with. I get it, some relationships aren’t easy, but you also don’t need to make them hard.

Watching relationships in Ugly Betty makes me think being beaten to death with a half-inflated squeaky hammer would be more appealing than this. What do you mean Henry is willing to make this relationship work with Betty long-term by meeting in Springfield, Missouri? What do you mean that Charlie’s whole hating Betty act and cheating on Henry was because these two were close? What do you mean that it is all fine because Charlie says she’s “so sorry” because it was hard watching Henry fall in love with someone else, thus you cheated on him?

I know it is unfair for me to draw the comparison because they are different shows, but I like adults being adults. If Bill Wrubel can write the teleplay for “Betty’s Baby Bump” then write episodes like “Two Aces,” “Rainbow,” and “4-5-1,” then I don’t know what happened between 2007 and 2019. No one feels like an adult here, which should be scary when it comes to talking about a woman squeezing out a kid and an accountant for a major company. No one acts like an adult in these situations.

As I’ve said about your man Henry Alonso Myers, it feels like drama for the sake of it. To go back to Ted and Rebecca’s relationship in Ted Lasso, there is again that hatred for someone, and it isn’t totally rational, but it is made believable by the character and their actions. Charlie has maybe been active for 45-65 minutes this whole season, the majority of which you spend assuming why she hates Betty. It was show, don’t tell in a way that wasn’t very showing of the character’s reasoning. Which might be due to something else I looked up.

It is not exactly the same, but let’s acknowledge the role a producer will sometimes have. “Betty’s Baby Bump” has 19 principal actors (actors with lines) and about 22 producers on this one episode. That’s a lot of minds that can have a say on how the show moves forward, and for contrast, I looked up a random episode of The Rookie (also on ABC) called “Day of Death;” it had 18 producers. Not all producers will have creative control, but my point is those that do (Alonso Myers, Poust, Wrubel, Nelli Jr, and Lawrence) are involved in the creative side of the show.

That many voices, that many heads being able to pull in certain directions can leave stories like this Charlie one feeling “too much, too soon” and “not enough,” all at the same time. As we’ve seen, not every episode needs to be about Betty, but the relationship is always forcing her into stories. The culmination of “East Side Story” nor “I See Me, I.C.U.” wasn’t about Betty. I’d argue neither was “Something Wicked This Way” because it was about Daniel finding out and Henry and Gio being jealous. The relationships are never about Betty.

All of this aside, “Betty’s Baby Bump” isn’t a bad episode of TV, though it isn’t exactly Ugly Betty either. It is the end of a story that felt like a burden on the show in the first place, and with the WGA strikes resulting in the season being shorter and other changes coming up, the whole thing had to be severed rather quickly. It is not satisfying, it’s not interesting, and honestly, the best story is Daniel this week. Probably because I know where we’re going and it is one of my favorite bits of the show.

Ultimately, “Betty’s Baby Bump” is overburdened with wrapping up a story of Charlie, Henry, the baby, and where that leaves Betty. The latter is the focus of the next episode, but that’s for next week. For now, Christina and Daniel are where I am enjoying the episode most because it is a bit different, those stories are going places, and where they are going is rather interesting. That said, I do like that this isn’t the end of us hating on someone who is ginger (kinda)… but that’s a special guest for another time.

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Ugly Betty "Betty's Baby Bump"

7

Score

7.0/10

Pros

• Daniel is going to be heading in a better direction soon.
• Christina's whole story.

Cons

• What is this Betty trying to please Charlie?
• Nothing was going to save Charlie's storyline.
• This still doesn't make Henry any better.