To borrow from Tim Gunn this season: A prison break, a high school musical, a sex dungeon, a birth certificate, a pregnancy, a car crash, three weddings, and a soon-to-be funeral – oh my! Directed by the man who makes more impact than some of the writers, James Hayman returns for his sixth of eight episodes directing. Though he stays on as producer until “A Thousand Words by Friday.” Meanwhile, “East Side Story” is co-written by producers Marco Pennette, returning after the fabulous “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” and show creator (for the US market) Silvio Horta. Indeed, all the big guns are here.

Returning from Mexico without Papi after his immigration status is, politely described as, complicated, Betty has decided that she must have Henry. Meanwhile, Bradford sent the divorce papers to Claire in prison and has already proposed to Wilhelmina with a ring so gaudy it makes Betty’s outfits seem neutral. So, of course, Claire is breaking out of prison to kill the two, or maybe just Wilhelmina. Daniel got beaten up by his drug dealers and is stealing Alexis’ “saved a Girl Scout in the lake” story to explain the black eye. Meanwhile, Alexis hired Barry Hitman to kill Jim Robinson.

With Wilhelmina setting up a fabulous wedding to-be that will clash with Captain Plastic and her little bitch (a female dog), Hilda is planning a more realistic wedding after Santos proposed in “Petra-Gate.” As Justin’s school does West Side Story. With love in the air, Henry eventually reveals to Betty that he’s broken up with Charlie so the two of them can be together after he professed his undying love in “Secretaries Day.” Of course, now with the promise of possibly kissing Superman, Betty has to go see her dentist, Glinda. No, I’m not joking, the actual Olive Snook, after Betty told Henry about how Wicked is her favorite musical.

Yes, “East Side Story” might be the epitome of everything that Ugly Betty has been up to this point: Paced like the Shinkansen when it is running a minute late, and packed more than my waist after I have pasta, there is so much to obviously talk about. Of course, at this point, if you’re expecting a spoiler-free review, you’ve come to the wrong place. The amount that I’ve banged on about this show being so great for 22 weeks, expect this one to be highly praised too, and in places it will be.

So with Betty back home and Daniel sporting the “I walked into a door” special, she’s, of course, very caring and loving for him, asking him what happened. Only for him to pull out a story about saving a child from drowning in the Central Park lake by diving in. Indeed, the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Reservoir has an average depth of 29 feet. Unless he means he jumped off of Bow Bridge into The Lake, Harlem Meer, The Pool, Turtle Pond, The Pond by the Hallett Nature Sanctuary, or Conservatory Water by Wallach Walk. That’s a lie with a bigger hole than the one behind Raquel Welch.

With his story making it back to his sister, via Betty trying to figure out how to make a big deal out of it, Alexis gets evil intentions, of course. Such as a broadcast news clip of Daniel meeting local Girl Scouts in his office, so they can thank him for saving one of their own. Obviously, that’s dealt with faster than his previous hook-ups had to get dressed so his next one could have limp seconds, but it feeds into other bits we’ve got going on.

As Wrinklemina and Gina Gershon’s plastic-faced gold-digger Fabia have a clash over wedding dates, Claire is fuming to Lorraine Toussant’s Yoga in prison. Cue Claire, Yoga, Youlanda Davis’ Chartreuse, and Dale Dickey’s Sugar Free Shirley, planning a break-out with a Klondike Bar. What could go wrong? Well, for one, the only way Fabia and her little rat-like bitch (I always hated people who make Chihuahuas their personality piece) will move the date of Fabia’s wedding to a coffin-dodger is if Willie gives up her little bitch… Marc.

I seem to say it time, time, and time again, but Ugly Betty has no filter to slow its pace down to something “acceptable” by any other show’s standards. When I reeled off that list at the start, every word of that is true, including another Fey Sommers mystery.

After Marc and his beard found the love dungeon last time out, the two have made it their little play area for day drinking or whatever the gays and their hags do. They are historical terms, darling, you twinks wouldn’t know. As it turns out, Marc finds Fey and Bradford’s Rocky Horror cosplay, ball-gag and whips included. Just one little problem with the whole “secret love dungeon,” it starts spreading like the clap at your Nana’s retirement home. When you hear those wrinkly cheeks smacking, don’t come-a-knocking!

Ok, I promise I’ll behave, but Christina does catch Amanda sneaking out of the dungeon, given the entrance is right into the Mode closet. How fitting for a beard and her gay. Trapped in the dungeon with little else than booze, the two get catty, horny, and honest. Amanda admits something to do with Bill Cosby, and yes, I think that qualifies as a full statement given what we know now. While Christina admits that back home she has a husband, and I think his name is Stuart if I remember correctly, but that’s a plotline for another season. Amanda does have another secret, though.

Like foreshadowing, nepotism is a narrative device. As far as Amanda knows, Fey hired her as the forever receptionist at Mode because she was a “friend of the family.” Indeed, and the milkman was just round collecting the money. Do I need to spell this one out? Christina and Amanda find a safe in the dungeon with a bunch of Fey’s documents, including the foreshadowed (in this review) birth certificate and the aforementioned nepotism. Amanda is Fey Sommers’ baby. Hun, pick up your jaw, you are getting drool on the rug; we’ve got plenty more shocks to go.

I don’t want to do it, but let’s talk about it anyway. So yeah, Henry dumped Charlie faster than the speed of light, and as soon as Betty came calling, he’s out here kissing her feet and saying “anything, thy Queen.” Shut up, I’m playing along to the Medieval Times thing from their last interaction. So, of course, she’s hot-stepping it to the dentist, and heaven only knows, it is Kristin Chenoweth. I guess because Jayma Mays, Gina Gershon, Alan Dale, Rebecca Romijn, Judith Light, Vanessa Williams, and Dale Dickey aren’t enough star power for an episode?

Though she’s not the only guest star in this story. Turns out the dentist also has an accountant who looks like a Betty and is played by Angélica Vale… You know, Angelica Vale? Star for La fea más bella, which in English is “The Most Beautiful Ugly Girl.“ Indeed, quite literally the Mexican version of Betty because Vale played Leticia “Lety” Padilla Solis de Mendiola. Sadly, we’ll never get the original Betty, Ana María Orozco.

Anyway, the truth is I don’t like this story from a recap point, mostly because we know how it goes, and not because I’ve “spoiled” it, but because it simply never made too much sense for Henry to end up with Betty. Even as a season finale. With Chenoweth’s Diane riding the Renée Zellweger rom-com haze of the 2000s, Betty and Diane talk about all the details, like that time Betty was about to have a date with Henry, but Charlie showed up to announce she’s pregnant. Oh fun! Minus the N and just put the U between the letters of KFC.

If only the gay Orthodontist had started dating someone named Charlie too, and if Betty had practically introduced them at Charlie’s birthday party. How convenient that would be. Foreshadowing is a narrative device! After seeing twelve too many chick-flicks (I get it, sister) Diane tells Betty to run to the airport as Charlie and Henry head back home to Arizona or New Mexico? One of the two – I assume both would burn a ginger to death. So yeah, Henry is gone away with Charlie and Mitch’s baby to that hellscape, never to be seen again.

Honestly? Good riddance. I know a lot of this review has just been a lot of plot synopsis with a few funny and sometimes “offensive” lines, but I’m not exactly done explaining why certain stories are enjoyable. Daniel’s little Girl Scout lies feed into Alexis’ storyline with Bradford, so as much as I loathe the start of that, there is a bit here that I do think pulls back a lot of things I’ve been saying throughout these reviews. The Wilhelmina thing with the wedding and letting Fabia take Marc as her assistant is fine, but it is more of a distraction from everything else.

That Henry storyline wasn’t going anywhere fast, and in true Telenovela style, it ends with a big, bombastic sort of cliff-hanger that may or may not ever be returned to. While the Amanda thing is just starting, I do sort of love it for what we’re about to see. The most notable person is maybe a bit horrible as an actual person, but the storyline itself is so very Amanda. Meanwhile, Christina’s secret past of running away from her husband (who would be abusive) is of the most memorable storylines, certainly one of them. It isn’t bad, but it certainly isn’t exciting for one reason or another.

So back to the whole Daniel taking drugs thing and being reminded “your office is two whores down.” He’s taken a lot of pills, too many to be taking while drinking alcohol, and he goes to Alexis’ office to say goodbye as he’s quitting because Claire is in prison, Bradford and “Milaweena” are getting hitched, and this is where we get it. Finally, Daniel admits he feels lost without his mother to baby him, his dad to teach him how to be a man, or his big brother to look up to.

Then it is that line I’ve been waiting for: “I don’t hate you. You wanna know a secret? When I thought you were dead, I used to go visit your grave every Sunday. Sometimes I still want to ’cause I still miss you.” For all the borderline (and beyond) transphobic bits throughout the season from Daniel, that’s where they’ve come from: He was following Bradford’s lead because he didn’t have the guidance of the sibling he knew, but when Claire guided him, he was nicer to Alexis.

Daniel clings to the deadname because he loved Alexis that much before her death, and struggled to see the brother he’s lost in the sister that he’s gained after all that grief. Is it perfect? No, but is life perfect? No. Ask any trans person, ask anyone who’s LGBTQ+IA, and they’ll most likely have a story of someone being horrible instantly, because I guess to these homophobic/transphobic people, there is a sense of entitlement to have always known who you are, and that’s replaced with a sense of betrayal. Though some people are just horrible, bitter people who can’t believe they came in 5th place.

So, as Daniel is practically O.D.ing in Alexis’ office, she decides the best thing to do with our favorite little sex addict is to rush him to a clinic to deal with his addictions. Trouble is, she’s called a hitman (bald with a barcode, per chance?) to kill Bradford. With no town cars available, Alexis takes Daddy’s Mercedes. How fitting that Fey’s brakes were cut, because it seems Bradford’s were too, and now we end the season with Daniel and Alexis in Bradford’s crashed car as Claire has broken out of prison.

Now, if only there were a musical reference this week? Oh, that’s right. Justin has been cast as the understudy for Tony as the school does West Side Story. As all dutiful little gays in this damn show, he may or may not poison the principal lead for Tony, meaning he gets his outing as the Romeo to Maria’s Juliet. Or I guess more precisely, Juliette Goglia’s Hilary playing the school’s Maria. However, that isn’t the headline of this storyline.

From memory, I don’t think Ana Ortiz’s acting has been this powerful with so little, but that end scene, while Juliette Goglia sings “Somewhere (Reprise)” as Ana Ortiz breaks down in America Ferrera’s arms, has genuinely just broken me, again. 20 years later, and Santos being killed as Justin plays Tony being killed in the school’s production of West Side Story still hurts. So, after Santos shows Justin how to snap his fingers ahead of the show later that night, Santos is at a convenience store trying to get something simple for his kid after his off-off-off-off-nowhere near Broadway debut.

Anything, really. He asks the owner behind the counter for those teeth whitening strips Justin has been asking for, and this owner nudges towards the CCTV monitors showing the guy sticking up the store. Sure, Santos is a bit late, but at least he’s trying to be there and get a gift for his son. As the owner tries to open the safe, Santos tries to be the hero and jump the stick-up guy, and gets shot for the trouble. Point-blank, Single-Action Army, .45 Colt to the vitals – dead.

What gets me is that Betty arrives as Justin is lying there in (playing Maria) Hilary’s arms, and it is only the stage you hear as the opening of “Somewhere (Reprise)” starts swelling. It is that tiny, teenage voice over Hilda silently being told of what happened, only hearing the cry and shout of “No Betty! No!” as she drops to the floor in Betty’s arms. How do I even try to pick that apart? It is perfect – I’ve sat here sobbing for 30 minutes just thinking about it as I write it out.

The way we end season 1, with that crane up and fade to black as you just watch Hilda’s world fall to pieces, is beautiful in the most tragic way. What makes it so much more tragic is that you have Justin playing Tony in the school’s version of West Side Story, and he’s as happy as a pig in slop. However, that’s the most effective tragedy: The son is happier than ever, the estranged dad, now back in the picture, is dead, and the mother’s heart is completely broken.

Ultimately, “East Side Story” is the embodiment of Ugly Betty as a whole, with pacing close to the speed of light, and so many big, impactful stories jammed in 42 minutes, it is the show as a whole summed up. Some bits, I won’t say don’t work, but aren’t as exciting to get to or revisit. I like Henry as a character, but I don’t think getting with Betty works at all, and the Charlie thing made me hate the whole Will They-Won’t Theys throughout TV. Yet despite my mentions of disliking Hilda’s big, bold, sometimes overpowering personality, all four in Ana Ortiz, both writers, and James Hayman make that last minute perfect.

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Ugly Betty "East Side Story"

9

Score

9.0/10

Pros

• Ana Ortiz, the star that she is.
• Everything about that final scene is perfect.
• An episode that epitomizes the show as a whole.

Cons

• How is this Henry storyline supposed to work?
• The trading Marc for the wedding date thing feels like filling time.