It has finally happened: the writer’s strike has ended, and Dr Horrible is months away, setting in stone a clear breakpoint in writing for this era. The first director of this shiny, full HD and somewhat “overly lit” era of Ugly Betty is the return of Michael Spiller. Spiller would continue on with Scrubs, The Middle, Cougar Town, the fantastic Better Off Ted, as well as The Mindy Project and Modern Family. We also see a return of story editors this season, Veronica West (neé Becker) and Sarah Kucserka. Now, if only I could have the drugs Betty is on to have that dream.

Waking up in a Kevin Costner film (the baseball one), Betty is dreaming not of a white Christmas but of some bland White boy taking her away in a horse-drawn carriage for her birthday. Though reality is just as overly lit and everyone looks like their royalty checks are now being cashed. Also, it is Betty’s 24th birthday, so the family clubbed together to vajazzle Betty’s flip phone, and because this is relevant to this part of the story, Charlie is back. Sadly so is Gio, but that’s another story for another time.

Meanwhile, Daniel is looking… different. I can’t explain it; he looks extremely White but also like he’s had a fake tan that is on the verge of being racially insensitive to Oompa-Loompas and is only now washing away. Also, he’s still sleeping with Wilhelmina’s sister who likes to snuff out candles with her fingers and look a bit crazy, especially when you ask her about somewhere called Stony Brook. Now, if only there were a third story in which Christina, held captive in Wilhelmina’s condo, could spy on the wicked witch and her psycho sister.

As I say in the very opening, it is that episode. We’re once again finding our feet as the show evolves and readjusts at an odd point, because we drop from a reported minimum of 20 episodes to 18. So with that, Betty “wakes” up in her dream to have a romantic moment with Henry, which, as you might guess, is just a dream. The family has a big “wahey, Betty” day planned, which she bums off for sleeping with bland Superman, but they still give her their gift: her own phone but bejeweled.

On a call with Christina, she tells Betty about psycho Renee, and we get the plot point of the jewels interfering with the phone signal as Betty appears at Henry’s door, and there is another psycho – Mrs Pillsbury – at the door. Before someone wants to climb up my hoop for calling her psycho, that’s not because of the OCD but rather the fact that Charlie is criminally ill. Something that we’ll sadly be covering here.

Meanwhile, at someone else’s front door, a White boy is finding out that indeed, “d’em bitches be crazy” and he should be checking out a place called Stony Brook. Stirring the fecal matter, Wilhelmina tells Daniel to watch out for Renee because she has been in a “bit of bother,” to put it lightly. Though of course, not the bother you or I would get into. Remember, Ron Canada is a Senator and Wilhelmina has been a major public figure in the fashion industry; we can’t have little Renee spoiling the “good” Slater name.

We’ll return to that at some point. If only there were a nosey pregnant Scottish woman planting baby monitors around Willy’s place to hear all the gossip, and Renee was placating a loose-lipped gay who would know all of Willy’s little secrets. Including stealing Alan Dale’s dead man juice. It is all kicking off on that side of the plot. However, let’s turn our focus back to Betty as she eagerly awaits Daniel to wish her a Happy Birthday and give her a gift. Something that he is not giving her, no matter how many hints she drops.

If that isn’t enough, Betty uses her Mode credentials to book a reservation at a restaurant for a date with Henry as Gio listens in over her shoulder. He also looks even more like a raging alcoholic and serial abuser, if the Phil Roth thing wasn’t enough to make you think he’s a bit slimy already. Cue all the long stares and me hating every second of his existence. Look, I get it, sometimes you like someone, and it isn’t reciprocated; you can’t just turn that feeling off. However, you can also try to improve as a person first.

For whatever reason, we’re shown Gio as this guy who is willing to do those nice things you want of a partner: Dancing, walking on the beach, and spending time together. Yet in the same breath, we also get a look at him trying to date Hilda to be close to Betty. We also see him do the negging thing; we have that whole Wicked thing, and we are seeing him longing for someone who is already in a relationship. Again, I’m not expecting him to be perfect, but the flaws outweigh the positives if you ask me.

Not that bland Superman is much better. So Charlie is suddenly in town for the week, and it just so happens to be while it is Betty’s birthday, simply because some baby-whispering prenatal expert has a spot open and he only does these things in New York. I see you, you Ginger witch! And yet the man with the glasses can’t see the bright orange problem that is in his face. Brother, why is your ex in your apartment and not in a hotel? Why is she in your apartment when you are not there at all?

When Betty tells the family this, of course they can see the problem. I think someone who is blind, deaf, and has been dead for 30 years could also see this, but that’s besides the point, I guess. Though Suarez’s are going to Suarez, so Hilda goes to Henry’s place to try and hand over cupcakes for Betty and Henry’s birthday date, but it is only Charlie who is there. Again, why is Henry not there? Why is Charlie there alone? “She’s having his baby.” She could be having the baby Jésus, and I wouldn’t let her within a mile of that apartment alone.

This is where we start getting Charlie showing her true ginger colors, like Cyndi Lauper. From here, the obvious becomes a flashing light and noises, as Charlie plots even further to ruin Betty’s Birthday in any little way she can. Including shoving the cakes in her face. However, the icing on the cake (if you will) is when she pretends to be sick, and Henry has to take her to a doctor. Son, go to the optometrist (Americans, look it up); you are as blind as a referee during the World Cup. I know that was two months ago for you, shh!

Thanks to all of these “inconveniences,” Henry phones Betty to tell her not to go to the restaurant. Or as Betty hears it on her vajazzled phone “[static] Betty [static] go to [static] restaurant.” The HMS Venturer had better communication than Betty’s phone, and for those of you who are twelve or don’t understand history, that’s a WWII submarine. So of course she goes to the restaurant, and gets to sit out front, and looks very sad, as well as other things to make this more of a run-on sentence. It is awful, not in a TV way but in how the character is supposed to feel.

What is awful from a viewing standpoint is that Gio turns up to save the day because he hears through the grapevine (Amanda) that Betty is being stood up. However, Gio doesn’t just turn up; he turns up in a horse-drawn carriage (it is amazing how they do that with their hooves), just like her dream with Henry, to whisk her away and smell what comes out of the back of a horse. I’m writing this days after the latest Central Park incident that killed an 18-year-old – that should give you my opinion on this.

So of course now the twelve-year-old (he’s the height of one) in his dad’s leather jacket is the romantic interest doing all the sweet, nice, romantic stuff for Betty while bland Superman thinks tofu is spicy and has to fill out a risk assessment form before leaving for work. I make no mistake, I hate this “Betty finding the right guy” thing because it is laborious and sort of falls into this idea that if you aren’t married and pregnant by 21, then you’ll be an old single lesbian with 17 cats and “not fulfilled your purpose.” I am tired of that!

Gio can be shown off as sleeping around, and it is seen as fine as long as he eventually settles for Betty, but Betty needs to settle for long-term relationships? It is an odd thing to pick at, but we’ve not had a five-episode run of this show yet where Betty hasn’t been in a long-term relationship or wanting one with a certain character. I’m not saying Betty needs to be a Samantha; I’m just saying, “damn, let a girl explore her options.” Nah, let’s have a problematic accountant and a questionable Rumpelstiltskin. Who’s next, a Josh Groban lookalike?

As I said earlier, Renee gets help from Marc to twist the knife in Wilhelmina’s back, though we can’t really blame him; he’s been placated with alcohol. The thing is, it isn’t just Renee that is finding this stuff out. So with the third track from Kimya Dawson’s 2006 album (a stretch of a reference, I know), he lets it slip that Christina has been turkey-basted with Bradford’s cream/country gravy and now Renee can use that to get back at Willy, right? With the flying monkey pulled back to earth at the feet of Wilhelmina, Marc is ordered to sneak into Daniel’s place and steal something.

Not before being caught and sniffing Daniel’s mesh underwear. I’m not an expert, but breaking and entering, sniffing someone’s underwear, and feeling them up when they catch you, it doesn’t exactly make you look better. Nonetheless, Marc finds what he was sent for: The pills that Renee was ordered to take to keep her from doing whatever happened with Stony Brook, the fire problems, and her apparent clinginess. Don’t worry, we resolve this one next time out.

As an episode, I don’t hate “Twenty-Four Candles,” but as the episode to return on and the episode to have such a large shift in style to the rest of the season, it isn’t one I’m excited to return to. Aside from the fact I’ve been repeatedly watching this one because I’ve been busier than Mona Stangley, it is a very basic episode that does nothing but make me hate certain characters more. Yes, the plot is moving along, and we’re getting to the conclusion of some things, but some of it I’ve been tired of for weeks.

Ultimately, “Twenty-Four Candles” is fine and nothing more. It is in a difficult spot because it is the start of a five-episode run to conclude a season that started with more, and now everything shifts. Probably the bit that’s got me most excited about anything is Daniel and Renee, because it feeds into the Christina storyline; otherwise, we’re entirely focused on Betty-Henry, Henry-Charlie, Betty-Gio, and we both know my opinions on that.

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Ugly Betty “Twenty-Four Candles”

7.5

Score

7.5/10

Pros

• Renee!
• Christina has a much larger point in the plot.

Cons

• Gio looks even worse.
• Charlie has nothing redeeming about her.
• Daniel looking a little... orange.