I think we can all appreciate the time that Ben just straight-up punched Q in the head. Our director this week has experience in this sort of, to borrow from her work, Clüsterfünke, as Anna Dokoza most recently directed FBI, CIA, and things like Chicago Med, but she’s also done Kevin Can F**k Himself. Oddly enough, I’m thinking the same of the production staff for Strange New Worlds. Meanwhile, I am actually coming around to the idea that Dana Horgan is the corrupting influence as she co-writes this time out with Bill Wolkoff. You know, the same Bill Wolkoff that I loved last time?

Starring two black holes at the end of a break-action shotgun– oh no, wait, that’s what everyone would have preferred. Instead, starring Deidre Hall, we’re all once again reminded that American soap operas are about as welcome as a migraine while riding a rollercoaster. Only made worse by the fact that Rhys Darby returns as Trelane, loosely confirmed to be a Q but currently in high school, and this is his latest school project… Committing war crimes against humanity by making me watch an American soap opera version of Star Trek. There isn’t even a hint of a joke in there – every word is true.

Waking up from (get this) amnesia, Pike was in a shuttle accident with Spock. Pike got off light, as Spock now needs a “living heart transplant,” so La’An is off to find the only compatible match to Spock, himself (Sybok), if he looked like a sex offender on day release from prison. But hold on, it gets more tortuous, as someone on the crew finds out that she is Pike’s long-lost biological daughter… Uhura. While Doctor M’Benga has a bit of the “space madness” and can’t perform surgery on Spock, Deidre Hall plays Jerry Springer between Pike and Uhura.

Article 3 of the third edition of the Geneva Convention relating to the treatment of prisoners of War states that the following acts are prohibited: “Violence to life and person, in particular murder of all kinds, mutilation, cruel treatment and torture.” This episode is cruel treatment and torture! Anyone, including John Oliver, who perpetuates this act of shoving American soap operas in anyone’s face should be tried at The Hague for such crimes. At least Australia brings Harold Bishop, Charlene and Scott Robinson, Donna Freedman, Beth Brennan, and we can’t forget Una’s dead dad (Ugly Betty spoilers), Jim Robinson, all good actors.

The last and only good American soap operas were Dynasty and Dallas. At least other soap operas from other countries produce film and TV actors you want to watch, and I’m not just talking about the ones already mentioned; I’m talking Jenna Coleman, Will Mellor, Leslie Grantham, Sue Johnston, Anita Dobson, Anna Friel, and Shane Richie. Not A-list Hollywood stars, but people you enjoy watching when they are in things. No offense to Deidre Hall, but I don’t look forward to seeing you again, love.

I’ve explained the plot as deep as it goes, there isn’t really much more I can do going beat for beat. The point of the episode is that Trelane is effectively a teenager for a Q, and his latest school project is to do something creative for his proctor, as played by Diane Johnstone from Mrs America and The Handmaid’s Tale. The trouble is, he is a teenager, so the ship might be high on this “pretend to act very badly; not you Deidre, you already do that” thing. Pike isn’t. Pike, like myself (your mum says we both have sexy hair), is also ready to do retaliatory war crimes.

Honestly, it is like watching one Patrick Stewart on a ship full of William Shatners. Everything. Is. Just. So…. Drawn-out. Only made worse by the fact La’An is effectively arresting rapey-Spock dressed like the Dread Pirate Roberts, but about as sexually arousing as a wet brown bag of dead family pets sat beside a leaking dumpster. It is sexy for those same people who think Outlander is the height of romance. We were done with La’An and Spock shagging, we do not need this fake romance-porn (in that it is a faked orgasm of a relationship) to tell a compelling story.

If I take a deep breath, slow down, and put my anger aside, this is the fourth “comedy” episode in the season, and we’re only on the seventh episode. Over half of this – many deleted swear words later – show this season has been inconsequential for 90% of its runtime. We get little bits like Erica and Scotty at each other’s throats; two episodes later, it is resolved. A further three episodes later, it is how they work together that helps save the ship in the only true-and-blue Star Trek we’ve had. This is not writing, this is not storytelling, this is badly written fan fiction.

Professionally written, but still badly written all the same. That’s my problem with this season: We’re spending so much time chasing this comedy Star Trek thing, we’re chasing this romance plot, we’re chasing the guest star cameo thing, and as we saw last season and here, we’re introducing a character that is doing so little to the plot overall until the final moments. It honestly feels like we’re getting a show that is chasing something popular rather than something that is its own beast. I’ve drawn the comparison a few times this season, but the comedy bit feels like it is chasing Seth MacFarlane’s show.

“Oh, but that’s stealing from Star Trek,” By saying that, the discerning voice in my head representing boring “fans,” it tells me you didn’t watch beyond the third episode. The reason The Orville gets away with comedy to some degree is due to the fact it doesn’t have the name Star Trek attached, plain and simple. However, it also gets that license simply because by the fourth, fifth, and sixth episodes it slows down and becomes more concentrated on plots. Its comedy is embedded in the episodes, but the focus is still the plots and having a place to go.

“Valles Marineris” used comedy bits in the episode, but the plot was supposed to effectively plant the flag of plot, pushing us forward into season 4. It didn’t, and the comedy bits overshadowed its more serious elements alongside the politics of it. “Human Best Friend” and “Level-Five Transporter Accident” were comedy episodes first and foremost. “Like Chronitons Through the Hourglass,” a very clumsy-sounding title said aloud, is yet another example of this; comedy for the most part, and a small bit of plot to pretend we’re doing something.

What purpose does expanding on the Trelane thing do here? What does this soap opera thing pull out of our characters? Forgo knowledge of the third act, forgo knowledge of “Orders of Magnitude,” when those things first appear; the thought very much is that old woman when another general election in the UK was called. Not another one? Not just because it is another comedy episode but because we’re three episodes from the end of the season. Another six for season 5. That’s it, that’s the end of Star Trek on TV right now.

It is also very disappointing following Bill Wolkoff’s “Off-Hour.” It’s filled with poor dialog, overacting, and just nonsense plot, all aggravating after some proper and interesting action and plot. As for Act 3, it is a poor-man’s version of mental health that I feel can and has been done better elsewhere. I love Anson Mount, and this acting in that final scene (avoiding spoilers while talking about plot) is fine, but it feels like a burden on the series at this point. It is the 10% I mentioned earlier that could have been resolved four episodes ago had we actually done plot instead of “comedy.”

Ultimately, “Like Chronitons Through the Hourglass” is emblematic of the problems with not only season 4 or even season 3, but the creative team, the production, and the overall sentiment towards Star Trek. I’m not going to hold up a sign and say you need to make DS9 again – we have that – but this isn’t Star Trek at its core.

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SNW "Like Chronitons Through the Hourglass"

2.5

Score

2.5/10

Pros

• Rhys Darby certainly gives it his all.

Cons

• Can we stop pretending like America knows what a soap opera is?
• Only becomes a mental health episode in the last 10 minutes.
• This doesn't feel like Star Trek or even its own thing.