To quote Edwin Hawkins, oh happy day! Returning for only her third episode of Ugly Betty before leaving after “The Wiener, the Bun and the Boob,” which once again should have that Oxford comma. It is Wendey Standzler, who previously did Monk, Desperate Housewives, Love Bites, The Mindy Project, Glee, Sleepy Hollow, GLOW’s second episode, and most recently, The Rookie. Meanwhile, we have a new writer in Brian Tanen. This is Tanen’s first writing credit before being a staff writer next season, writing and editing Grey’s Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, writing Devious Maids, and then something called Grand Hotel in 2019.

Sadly, it isn’t Edwin Hawkins that opens the episode but rather Eric Carmen and Sergei Rachmaninoff with “All by Myself.” It has finally happened: Henry is gone, and Betty is heartbroken about the thing everyone knew was going to happen. Who could have seen this coming? Though she’s not the only one that’s upset about a return to normality, Wilhelmina used my nickname from last time, “let’s do this bitch,” as she returns to Meade Towers. Meanwhile, Papi is sick, so a dolled-up Hilda is making breakfast and talking about her new role in the PTA.

Shut up, it is totally not about the firm cheeks of the gym teacher that she’s got a crush on. Also, Gio becomes the sexual assaulter he always wanted to be when he grew up; at least he got one of those things. Amanda is moving forward with the reality TV show idea, kinda, despite the fact Hogan Knows Best was a travesty of TV. Justin hates the idea that his mother will be sleeping with the gym teacher… Have I missed anything? Oh yeah, and Claire – under orders from Daniel – asks Betty to write for Hot Flash while Wilhelmina tries to divide and conquer Brothers & Sisters.

I knew there was something else I forgot. There is another ginger that Betty wants to headbutt into next season, but we’ll get to that much later. First up, it has finally happened: Henry is gone, and Betty is single again. If only she knew what a burden her being in a relationship is for her life, she wouldn’t have spent 2 weeks crying over her spilt Superman. With the help of practically everyone but the annoying orange and Gio being a sex pest, Betty still doesn’t feel any better because she’s fermenting in her own self-pity.

I wonder if you can tell my opinion of the episode already? Actually, before we move on with Betty’s thing, I need to say that I had completely forgotten about “The Kids Are Alright” to the point where I only knew of one scene later on in the episode. I’ve seen the show multiple times; this shouldn’t be possible. However, it does mean I jumped the gun on saying Gene is gone and the Daddy storyline is swept under the rug. Yes, I am writing this weeks before that review goes out where I said that, but I want to highlight that I’m not perfect.

So Amanda is really excited about finally filming the reality TV show with her “daddy,” Gene Simmons. However, there is something off: Amanda is pushing Marc away, very “no, you can’t play with my cool toy” sort of thing. Gene is in his own little bubble, and when we get to the show proper, it is beyond manufactured. Proper reality TV is done in rented houses or very restricted shots of real homes; it is shot outside, and— You’ve seen reality TV before. Gene Knows Best is on a soundstage, like sitcoms are, and it is terribly lit.

Turns out, Amanda has been pushing Marc away, even saying “Gene hates the gays” (I’ve got a bit on that) to push him away. Gene becomes a massive queen around Marc; Marc is our conduit into this world, and we finally see how ersatz the whole thing is. Cue Amanda breaking down to Gene; Gene wants a camera on this real moment; and Gene leans over with Amanda seeing his Tweety Bird tattoo is smeared and faded. I’m not touching this: Gene Simmons was chasing good publicity and a reality show for money.

What I will chase is the idea that Gene hates the gays, which he claims he doesn’t. In the same breath, in 2009, he also told Adam Lambert to “shut the fuck up” about being gay because it would hurt his career. Gene says too that he hoped it didn’t, but he still said it. The other reason I want to bring this up is that in the same interview, he also states that Lambert is “The best talent to come out of American Idol.” Kelly Clarkson, Fantasia, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks, Scotty McCreery, Clay Aiken, Katharine McPhee, and David Archuleta are in the mud, I guess.

Ok, now Gene’s storyline is dead and buried, we can move on and drop this “Gene Simmons is my daddy” thing. I believe the kids call that “cringe.” So let’s focus back on things that move forward for more than half a second. Hilda wants to shag the gym teacher; Again, Eddie Cibrian isn’t bad-looking, just very HSM basketball extra in his appearances. With her newfound desire to be part of the PTA, Hilda will be spending a bit more time around Justin’s school because she’s… There is no two ways about it, she just wants to shag the guy but goes about it like a teenager.

I’ve said it before, the actions of characters feel like actions done before thought and explanation of said thought are conveyed to viewers. Keep in mind that Hilda at this point is effectively 29/30, but she’s acting like 13 going on 30. The thing is, I get it, but I am also looking at it as “are you just being horny or do you actually see a relationship here?” From what we’re shown and her actions, it is sexual attraction. The only thing Hilda knows about Coach Tony Diaz is that he is a gym teacher and that he is chaperoning the school dance that Justin doesn’t want to go to.

So of course Hilda does like all mothers do and aggressively tells her son that they are going to a stupid school dance that I believe you Americans call “lame,” and she’ll help Tony chaperone by wanting to do what hormonal teens want to do to each other. Don’t worry though, we’re saved by the great flu of 2008 in casa de la Suarez. We’ll pick this up in a bit.

With that drama out of the way, let’s talk about the far more realistic thing: Wilhelmina had Bradford’s spunk (not in the American way) in a jar. As I said last time, the blackmail from Christina and Stuart doesn’t really work with this “by the way, I’ve got Bradford’s baby in the oven” storyline, but we move on nonetheless. The family Meade (and Mode) is in crisis mode as the bitch is back. How? Why? Where? When? What?… Legally, it is her baby, and Bradford’s last will was that the company be divided between all of his children; Until the unborn child is 18, Wilhelmina has the controlling stake.

Why yes, this whole thing is very “You’re a mean one, Mr Grinch” with that Tim Curry smile: Evil distilled into its purest form in the body of a human. It quite literally ruins everything that Claire, Daniel, and Alexis have been working on, as we once again have this wedge between them all, being able to pick them apart equally. First, she starts with Daniel in the creative meeting that she’s only supposed to be an observer in, but points out another magazine is doing the same idea. So, in frustration, Daniel goes to the bathroom and leaves Alexis to run the meeting.

Liking a pitch by Wilhelmina, Alexis agrees to do that since the Editor-in-Chief wasn’t there. Two down, one to go. Getting Claire alone, she points out that Hot Flash (yes, we’re sticking with that name) has an advertising/funding problem, so “why not give away advertising for free?” Think of it this way: You give away advertising to one major firm, others will follow the lead and give you big accounts… in theory, it is a fine idea, but does it work in the long term? Indeed, a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

All of this aside, Gene isn’t the only old White guy to make an appearance this episode. Daniel, after Willy got her position and Daniel was usurped by the wicked witch, has gone on CNN and had a chat with New York’s oldest Skeleton, Larry King. The only guy to have more wives than Ric Flair. I was about to make a third “nasty” comment about one of those (few) old men in entertainment you just kind of like, but even I thought a comparison to Kay Burley would be too mean. Though King is scripted to have one of those blunt, not really necessary questions.

As those types of shows King hosted, there would be a few questions directly to the person being interviewed; there would be one that’s quite blunt, such as “does the return of Wilhelmina Slater affect things at Mode?” Daniel makes it clear that no, she’s not back at the magazine in an official capacity. King then throws the questions to callers, who are a bit snippier, such as the “woman” from “Burlington, Vermont,” asking: “Why don’t you give Wilhelmina Slater some credit? Isn’t that a little sexist?” and of course we go back to the photo Wilhelmina forces Daniel to take with her at her return, where he’s pushing her away.

The optics don’t look good. Though let me answer the question: Is it sexist to say Wilhelmina doesn’t have an official position? No, it is not something based on her sex or gender; it is based on the fact she has no official title. Wilhelmina is back in that she effectively has a stake in the publishing empire; for Mode, she has no position or title, though Marc knows that. Oh, by the way, the so-called woman from Vermont is just Marc putting on a voice and stirring the pot; even Daniel isn’t dumb enough to fall for that.

Doesn’t matter; the damage is done. The family Meade is divided, and the witch has only been back in the building for a day. We’ve got another two trimesters and 18 years of this? Claire, ask big Liz if she can cut breaks for you again; she’s already done it twice.

Oh dear god, fine, let’s get to it. So yeah, Betty is upset and looking horrible (maybe run a brush through your hair, love?) because Henry is a POS. She nonetheless has to go to work and deal with the calls for Daniel’s comments about Wilhelmina’s return, cope with her own emotional state, and as Betty takes lunch orders, Claire asks Betty to write an article for Vaginal Dryness: The Magazine. Ok, we’re all caught up to the point I don’t want to write about but have to anyway, the bit where Betty is in Gio’s shop after the Henry breakup.

Confiding in Tom Cruise with BO (I’ve run out of other short jokes), Betty tells Gio all about her day as he fills out the orders for the office. Something that he takes as “flirting.” Listen up, Stupid Smurf, you wouldn’t understand flirting if it sat on your face until you died – as proven by “A Thousand Words Before Friday.” Nonetheless, he presses on, saying that Betty is always down here ordering sandwiches- yeah, get back in the kitchen and make Betty her sandwiches- and telling him about her day, talking about herself, talking about work, talking about god knows what.

For me, it is the smug face as he says, “You want me to be your rebound guy?” No, I want you to be found 60 years from now with concrete shoes. As Betty, very loudly and very clearly, says she doesn’t want him, he grabs the side of her head and kisses her. That’s assault. When I say I hate this two-foot nothing, worthless character, and actual sexual assaulter, I have good reason… Just like I had good reason to question Henry sorting the bribe for the “sixteen-year-old.” Indeed, “not all men,” but it is always men.

Sadly, I have to say that there is something interesting and storyline-focused going forward because of this. By the way, this was only the start of Betty’s story this episode; buckle up, buttercup! So with a telephoto lens in the not bushes on the other side of the street because it is New York, someone ginger(ish) has been taking pictures of Betty and Gio kissing. I’m not an expert, but even I can see that image (above) is not exactly consensual, but as we know, ginger people are evil in this show. Though I guess she’s more blonde by this point.

Emailed around the office, the photo is supposed to slut shame Betty. Oh yeah, I didn’t say this was the good bit of the storyline, just that it is going somewhere interesting that I think my editor will ask lots of questions about when the time comes. This is about the time Betty crosses paths with Daniel in the bathroom (yeah, that’s how slow this story is this week) after she finds out someone wrote a dirty poem about her and Gio. After brainstorming with Daniel about nobbling Wilhelmina’s schemes, Daniel orders Betty to go home and work on her article, which is why the Larry King thing goes off the rails.

Now at home she’s surrounded by the walking wounded, as Papi is very sick and Hilda is showing signs of sickness, while Justin makes Grease look gayer. I’m not saying it is a bad look; I am just saying it is the type of look that gets your head kicked in. Now Hilda can’t go to the dance and chaperone with the Captain Sexy Gym, so Hilda forces Betty to go and take Justin with her. Now Betty has a great idea: Ask the kids things for her article on “the youth perspective.” Asking first Jasmine Jessica Anthony’s Antonella… Gio’s little sister.

That’s it, I’m throwing myself in front of a Shinkansen. What do you mean the Seventh Dwarf Disney removed from that 2025 version of Snow White, Sexual Assaulty, is chaperoning a school dance 13 minutes after we saw him commit an actual crime that was documented on camera? This is no longer a bit; I’m genuinely angry that a show with 18 producers, a writer, and two story editors allows for a story where this horrible little man commits a crime, is around kids in a school, and at no point is he punished for his actions. He doesn’t even apologize. Worse, he doesn’t view his actions as wrong.

I no longer care what happens in the rest of the episode; I am no longer talking about story beats. If I could get my hands on that character, no forensic analyst would find a trace of him when I am done. As for the creative team, I’m tired. When you drill it down, drama is actions and consequences; you do a thing, and as a result, you have to deal with the consequences of those actions. Betty’s personal life doesn’t feel like something she is actively involved in but rather something that she’s passively pulled along into by the story beats.

Hilda is going after a relationship; Betty is pushed and pulled into them. Not a phrase I want to be on the record saying, but putting the sexual assault aside, by the end of the episode Gio turns around and says that he doesn’t want a relationship with Betty. Mate, I’ll give you the length of rope, if you pick out the tree. Forcing a kiss on Betty after effectively chasing her episodes ago now just feels like wasted screen time. Which is why I hate these relationship storylines, because what’s the point if this is where we are now?

As an episode, “The Kids Are Alright” does three things that could have been done better elsewhere or surrounded by better stories: Wilhelmina is back to divide and conquer, Amanda finds out Gene Simmons is a money-hungry sociopath, and the storyline we’ve got coming up that I keep teasing. You could argue four if we include Hilda “getting back on the horse” of dating, but that’s already been established. I have reason for hoping this was Brian Tanen’s only episode, but luckily for him (sadly for us) he’s got another three.

Ultimately, if you don’t view someone aggressively grabbing a person and forcing a kiss on them as sexual assault, you might think “The Kids Are Alright” is in fact alright. If you’re criminally ill enough to think Gio is “better” than Henry, please seek help! Otherwise, it is fine. Wendey Standzler doesn’t do anything weird either. We’re clearing the deck storywise for Amanda to search for daddy again; Hilda’s got something nice going on, and really, if you take away Gio altogether, the episode is decent. However, I wouldn’t say it is the penultimate episode of a season. Wilhelmina’s return doesn’t feel that important or focused on.

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Ugly Betty "The Kids Are Alright"

5.5

Score

5.5/10

Pros

• Larry King is a fun little cameo, which isn't saying much.
• Daniel trying to remove water from the sinking ship.

Cons

• Am I allowed to throw Gio in the river?
• The fact that Gio doesn't acknowledge he did something illegal.
• Not the penultimate episode of a season.