“Oh my god, it’s Betty White,” no, she’s Hispanic, and Henry is her White. Here we go again with lines that will get me canceled. Directed by Michael Spiller, Spiller previously directed “In or Out,” and this is his second of five episodes. Spiller would also direct lots of Scrubs, Better Off Ted, and most recently, Scrubs… the new one. While writing comes from Tracy Poust and Jon Kinnally, their last of the season with a return for two in season 3 and season 4, each. Both previously wrote for Will & Grace, most notably.

Turns out daddy couldn’t operate a camera for sex tapes, nor his last will and testament. With Bradford dead, he’s left Daniel and Alexis a tape telling them who will run Meade Publication, though he was clearly directed by David Chase. Meanwhile, I want to drop myself in the East River with concrete shoes so I don’t have to deal with Betty, Henry, Gio, and Hilda. Not that Justin’s fashion advice is much help, making it look like Henry stole some clothes from a church.

With Bradford cutting off the video before saying who would run Meade Publications, the kids turn to mummy dearest for advice, and Claire tells them not to fight, so of course, they decide to do a paintball fight in the Mode offices. Meanwhile, Gio is asked to help Hilda set up her new Salon in the drab conservatory while Henry does the plumbing; Gio turns Hilda on, and Betty “off,” as he explains what he’d do if he were in Henry’s position with Betty. I’ll take a shotgun to the back of the head, anything to get away from this nonsense.

Can we get to it first so I can have a massive, long, far too long, extended moan about this love triangle BS? And it is BS – Betty Suarez based bull skat. There are only 17 or so weeks left with Henry here in New York; however, how could the two of them spend time with each other that is meaningful? I don’t know, maybe setting fire to themselves in protest of the Vietnam War? That’s the big question this week: Henry’s idea of spending time together is making ice cream and watching German films that cinephiles like.

Meanwhile, after Gio helps Hilda get the partially damaged hair washing sink from that beauty school, he has ideas of how to spend time with a woman. “Every night would be a chance to make a memory […] if there was any ice cream involved, I’d be eating it off her stomach,” yeah, because ice cream is never known to be cold to the touch. The point is, he sets up this idea of spontaneous romance that turns Hilda on to the point that I think there are tears running down her thighs. Totally not Betty’s, though; she’s totally turned off by all of this, of course.

The thing that punctuates this scene, though, is Gio offering Betty to dance there and then, to music that comes on for some reason, with Henry walking in as Gio dips Betty. Shock, horror, how dare they… You got a woman pregnant and are currently dating Betty before you go back to Tucson to be with your son. The leg you are trying to stand on is rather wobbly, Henry, my son. Once you put a little bit of perspective on it, Henry has nothing to complain about without being a complete hypocrite.

Mate, you are built like Superman, as we see when Betty wants to eat ice cream off of Henry’s stomach, and you are jealous of a guy wearing platform shoes. What next, jealous of The Pope because some women throw themselves in his direction? Nonetheless, Betty wants some of this spontaneity, but Henry is her White with a capital W, so he clearly thinks 2% milk is rather spicy and that anything outside of a schedule is anarchy.

So, where is my opinion on this beyond adding flavor to the descriptions of events? I hate this with a burning passion. When Charlie was around, Betty couldn’t get over herself because she wanted to be with Henry, and I get it, but she wasn’t in a relationship at the time, and she wasn’t forcing Henry out of a relationship. Yes, I know about Walter, but that wasn’t a relationship. It was a convenience for both, and nothing serious really happened while they were together. Henry, right now, is flabbergasted by the fact that Betty dares to dance with Gio.

Once again, Betty’s thighs are dripping at another man (well, kinda), so if I may, Betty is the problem there. Henry’s jealousy is unfounded when we look at his previous actions of knocking up Charlie, leading Betty on, not setting boundaries with Betty, and sticking to them, and now dating Betty for a couple of months before leaving, knowing he’ll break her heart. “Oh, but they are so perfect together.” Well, tell them that, because they don’t want to be together.

I’ve said it before: This is my overall problem with this love triangle and Betty being with Henry. They want the good bits of a relationship without all the bad. They want the sex, the affection, spending some time together, and the physical touch. Yet they don’t want to be in each other’s presence. They don’t want each other’s silence, and they don’t want who each other really is. All they want is the idea of each other that they’ve individually built. That’s not a relationship; that’s fantasy. As the kids say now, that’s a red flag.

So, as the kids are having a public threesome, Daniel and Alexis are fighting over the control not just of Mode but of Meade publications. Remember how last time I said all that stuff about episodes having zany stuff but being grounded? Yeah, well, “Bananas for Betty” has flown the nest and won’t land for love nor money. It isn’t as bad as “Grin and Bear It,” but the only bit of heart I’ve gotten is when Claire threatens Daniel and Alexis with murder from someone who’ll be released from prison soon. How heartwarming.

It probably doesn’t help that John Cho is about to go into the second Harold & Kumar film, so his character, Kenny, is very much the business version of that stoner character. He is one note in this Daniel – Alexis storyline; Max Greenfield’s Nick is one note, for the most part, so are Daniel and Alexis, with the closest to a second note here coming from Amanda. They are all just focused on “I’m going to beat you, no, I am going to beat you,” which, sure, works for the story, but doesn’t have any depth.

Maybe I’m also annoyed by the fact that Daniel and co hunch down and talk in an open area, allowing Alexis to “kill” off half the team. The whole tactical paintball thing would have worked if they were actually being tactical and moving through the office as if they were trying to win. The actions, however, speak louder than the words, and their actions are dumb. Right up to Nick getting shot by Amanda, Amanda getting shot by Alexis, and you have Amanda and Nick having sex in the office. Are they getting paid time-and-a-half for this paintball business?

After the wicked witch of the Upper East Side didn’t get seed money from daddy, her new and heavily abused diverse cast of employees is ready to down tools. I guess the Thatcher reference last time was apt. So with the help of Marc, Wilhelmina has to find seed money to start her new magazine, Slater, but her image is kind of in the bin after the whole dead ex, being fired at a funeral, and generally being known as a horrible person. Indeed, “Rise and shine, and give god your glory glory…”

With an image more rehabbed than Lindsay’s substance abuse, funders are pouring in, ready to fund Slater like there is no tomorrow. What could go wrong? Taking an old woman’s taxi and jamming her fingers in the door might have been something you could get away with in the early 2000s, maybe even if the old woman was one of them poor people. However, YouTube is a little less forgiving than Betty White is after Wilhelmina Slater jams her fingers in the door of a taxi.

If I were a shrewd man, I’d say she has a lawyer on hand who could help her. Again, like Posh Spice, Mo’Nique, and others, she’s a one-off appearance to interact with our characters but not really do too much. It is also the first time we get Suzuki St. Pierre alongside our characters properly. All it does is reset us back to the point where Wilhelmina is the evil woman in everyone’s eyes once again, and we move on with our lives as she fails to get Slater off the ground.

The main point of “Bananas for Betty” is to establish what I’ve been saying for weeks now: Gio is a love interest for Betty. After Henry sets himself on fire and dances like he’s defecated himself, Betty turns her focus back to him and only him while Hilda and Gio are on this date. The trouble is, once Gio can’t have Betty, he is established as longing for her, and Hilda can see it. This was the first time Hilda felt like she could go out with someone since Santos. Do you see why I hate this?

It doesn’t feel natural. It feels like drama for drama’s sake, especially with someone as fragile and “broken” as Hilda is at this point. Why are we playing with her to further Betty’s storyline? Why are we adding to the love triangle storyline by making it a Venn diagram of love triangles focused around Betty? I mean, somehow it is less enjoyable and exciting than the idea of the guy in the morgue tugging Bradford off to get viable gender fluid so Wilhelmina can still viably run Meade. Not a word of that is a lie, and I bet my editor is too stunned to speak.

For the time being, of course, it isn’t Daniel who takes over at the top of Meade Towers. The power struggle will have to be between Alexis and the illegitimate spawn of (according to Betty White) Satan and the Anti-Christ. At least in theory.

As an episode on its own, “Bananas for Betty” focuses a little too much on Betty’s obsession with Gio than her complete interest in him, as well as the paintball fight with about as much fighting as a toddler with a glass door. Unlike the last two episodes, we’re not really doing a lot; we’re not dripping with heart, and we’re not bounding forward like a large and stupid dog towards its owner. It keeps the story going, but not with the most interesting or exciting set pieces.

Ultimately, “Bananas for Betty” is a Venn diagram example of how not to romance and how not to do action, yet if you’re switching your brain off, it will do enough to entertain. Spiller’s direction doesn’t stand out or feel unique. Poust and Kinnally’s writing is fine as is, and the stars work with what they are given. Beyond personal gripes that love triangles are awful and the writing of romance is too messy to be seen as good for anyone, it is a fine episode that doesn’t stand out from the crowd.

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Ugly Betty “Bananas for Betty”

6.5

Score

6.5/10

Pros

• Betty White is a true treasure.
• Hilda can see red flags and set boundaries.

Cons

• The action of the paintball fight isn't fun.
• Henry has no leg to stand on.
• Stop with this messy relationship nonsense.