“It was on and off faster than Lindsay’s alcohol detection bracelet;” foreshadowing is a narrative device in which the storyteller… and so on. Directed by James Hayman, sadly this is the last of his run as director, even if he continues on to “A Thousand Words by Friday” as producer before leaving. It is also the final writing credit for Marco Pennette before he leaves at the same time, though this one is co-written by showrunner and producer Silvio Horta. Given the track record of these three over the last two episodes together, I might start crying because Hilda suddenly felt warm, and importantly, human.

So the countdown to the wedding is finally here after lots of drama: A car crash, a prison break, and an attempted shooting. Meanwhile, Betty is making like Sam Anders from Clarissa Explains It All, climbing in through the window because she’s been shagging Henry like a rabbit. Next, you’re going to tell me she is pregnant. Either way, Ignacio finds out and pretends like he has anything worth saying about it because the writer’s room clearly said, “We need the dumbest story on the planet written by the dumbest people on Earth; can you give yourselves brain injuries?”

While Willy is gaining a husband, someone who would call her husband a willy sees her husband return. Ultimately, to the whole point of pushing Betty into a hole in the closet and into the sex dungeon with the little sex pest. “You totally trumped my whole dad thing,” Yeah, I’d rather hear about Stuart than him, though, so can we focus on Professor Bran Kenric? Oh, and because it is an episode of Ugly Betty with very little of her, Alexis is offered Bradford’s “Best Man” spot, and we have a questionable line. There is nothing nor anyone else to mention in this episode.

Ok, maybe that Vera Wang plays Vera Wang, and Private Boone from MAS*H is a priest. Put that aside for a minute and let’s focus on it as I’ve done before to get it out of the way; the Alexis stuff is once again questionable at best and quite problematic if we were entirely honest about it. Playing along with daddy’s little fantasy that everything is ok after the whole attempted murder thing he doesn’t yet know about, Bradford offers Alexis the “Best Man” spot. Anyone else, that would be fine; I’ve been to a wedding where the Best Man was a woman – the difference is, lesbian.

I’m not saying there is an intention, but there certainly is a question to be raised. Though it is more so for the story that the Meade family is fractured as it is: Daniel tried to get ad sales up by dating a mountain lion, Alexis got big accounts back on side, Bradford sees money in Alexis, and Bradford rewards her with this whole bringing her further into the inner circle again. Is it Bradford saying outright, “You’re a man, you’ll always be a man?” Not really. Though his actions previously didn’t help that case.

If only there was a problematic line from Wilhelmina as she watches Fashion TV, where some fake-blonde skinny WAG was flogging her family energy drink. Bemoaning her scheming going awry, Wilhelmina is being comforted by Marc as she says: “Apparently, the dynamic duo, Danny and the tranny, have gone and found some advertisers to save this rag.” Again, on the one hand, you could argue it is what would have been said at the time, but on the other hand, the question arises whether it was ever appropriate to say.

From the frying pan of getting me canceled to the pits of hell. As I say, Betty does what your fella from boring vs boring for the love of someone extremely boring will do— Sorry, I forget that most people call that Twilight and I’m talking about that time whatshisface bounces off of a tree and window sill as he climbs in a window. Do you reckon he was called Black because of the historical Mormon opinion of people who are Black? I too was surprised if that stayed in the edit, and not just because I got lost in the sauce. Nonetheless, I abhor this whole Betty-Henry thing.

I said it last time, and I’ll repeat myself again: Why does anyone care that Betty has made a decision that is going to hurt her? That’s her dumb, pointless decision. My better question is, why does Betty want this heartbreak, knowing that it is coming on a timeline? Believe it or not, we get it here: Henry makes Betty feel something that no one else ever has – Ok, why are you allowing him to go back to Tucson? Yeah, he has a kid with Charlie on the way, but how many separated families are there in the US?

The problem I have with this whole thing is that they’re both 100% in on this, as if there aren’t problems with the relationship in the first place. Not just from the established storyline of “5 months – the baby” but simply the way they treat each other. Betty acts as if Henry is a special piece of the puzzle to sort her life out, despite not showing anything other than sexual attraction and occasional interest in the one thing she likes. He shared the Wicked thing, they had sushi, and now they’ve had sex. “But they are so perfect!”

Other than accounting and knocking up Charlie, what do we know about Henry? He knows some random facts; it is just something I know. So what happens in this episode? Betty storms out of Casa de la Suarez/is kicked out, so when Henry finds out, “You’re not staying with Christina, you’re staying with me.” How does that work again? Because you’re leaving in 5 months, is she homeless by the end of the season? This storyline makes me want to smack someone.

I don’t care how much attraction you have for someone; moving in with them after sleeping with them for the first time (it is implied) days ago is like saying “I love you” after ordering the starters on the first date. Brother, what do you mean by “let’s move in together?” You are moving out in 5 months. I’m sorry, but I’d rather fling myself in front of a bus driven by Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves than have you force me to move in with you this quickly. That is horrendous behavior – “But he’s perfect!”

Shall we talk about the sex dungeon? Christina ran away from her husband back in Scotland, or as I’m sure Americans understand, that’s Middle-Earth. Sorry, but you people are genuinely terrible at geography at the best of times, never mind when at war. So, put simply, Christina saved up and ran away from Stuart because he was a bit of a drunk. Next you’re going to say Mexicans drink tequila like water and wear Guadalajara ponchos – with her idea to set out for a new life. A new life in New York, one might say.

Stuart hasn’t found Christina to abuse her; we’re not there… yet. He’s come to tell her that he understands and accepts that that’s the kick on the backside he needed to get some help. Part of that help and healing is accepting your faults. See, Betty, you can be mature and rational with someone you’ve found attractive. They’ve had sex in the love dungeon, haven’t they? Right, well, scrap that; I guess no one can have a fully mature and adult relationship in this show.

As it turns out, Stuart isn’t in New York for such innocent means. Searching his pockets through totally normal ways that don’t involve finding a needle right at the top of his pile of things on her side of the sex dungeon bed, Christina confronts Stuart about this possibly being more drugs. Before I go on, when do you think those bedsheets were last changed? If Fey died over a year ago and Amanda was the first one to really find it in that time, who is dusting the place and changing the bedding? Do you want to sleep in Bradford and Fey’s crusty wet patches?

Back to the point, Stuart has a needle to do drugs with, but that’s because he spent his liver drinking like a fish. With a reported six months left to live, he wanted to come around and say his goodbyes before Christina inherits his mum’s spoon collection. This is one of those stories when I have an idea of where my memory thinks it is going, but we’re only at the start, so I can’t say too much. Again, like everything this season, there is a lot of drama with the inherent implication of begetting more drama.

The wedding of Brad-Elmina is supposed to be the focus of this episode, but if we’re honest, it is just part of the furniture for other stories that are happening. With Betty out of the house and Ignacio’s naturalization ceremony on the same day as the wedding, there is a bit of “where does Betty go?” Daniel finds out about Rick Fox sleeping with his ex-wife, and clearly has been ever since Wilhelmina hired security to protect her from Claire.

Remember when Betty and Christina were under Wilhelmina’s bed for 2 hours? This is the callback to that: With Ignacio on the verge of becoming a citizen, Wilhelmina’s little sexcapades are about to come out. Catching Daniel snooping around Wilhelmina’s office, Betty and Henry are on their way to the transport museum – there’s a good one in Glasgow, by the way – Betty tells Daniel without fully telling him, and Henry sees Betty’s screensaver. Of course it is the family, and we get Henry being the “good guy.”

This is my problem with Henry: The story here is that he’s forcing Betty to go to Papi’s naturalization ceremony because when Henry leaves, the family is all that Betty will have. Indeed, pause for dramatic effect. Then, why are you forcing Betty to move in with you, why are you having a romantic and sexual relationship with her, and why aren’t you setting boundaries knowing that you’re going to break her heart? It is all fine saying “good guy, Henry,” but we’re still talking about the guy who told Daniel to hide the one-night stand he had with a “sixteen-year-old.”

Maybe that’s just 2026 “WOKE” agenda talking, but maybe call him “Good guy, Henry” when he’s a good guy. The fact that he won’t set boundaries when he knows Betty won’t set firm boundaries herself, alongside the whole bribe for a “sixteen-year-old” thing, that not only puts me off of him, but actively makes me hate Henry. He is already no better than any sleazy guy in any other context; the only difference would be the fact he’s packaged as this nerdy guy. News flash: Not all men, but it is always men – if you know what I mean.

With a bit of reconciliation to reset us back to Betty living at home and the relationship with Papi being fine, Betty is convinced to tell Daniel the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth, minus the facts because Daniel turns into a petulant child again and I’m starting to smoke crack. When just watching, this is a non-issue. However, drama to beget drama to beget hyper-drama feels like everything I moaned about with “Grin and Bear It.” The heart that makes you love the show is toned down, and we’re thrown into madcap situations without much grounding.

Speaking of grounding, I should probably mention the fact that, yeah, this was the episode with Victoria… Beckham. I’m not trying to be mean to the other guest stars we’ve seen thus far, but the only stars that are comparable are Lucy Liu, Patti LuPone, Gina Gershon, and Salma Hayek. Maybe I’m a little biased, but Posh Spice is part of one of the biggest groups ever – and for those who think K-pop is big, educate yourselves about The Spice Girls.

I mean, she isn’t one of the good ones – Sporty, Scary, and Baby Spice – and she can’t really sing, but it is about that time David got a head injury and thought the MLS was a great idea. To say that this guest appearance is as impactful as Octavia Spencer, Patti LuPone, Lorraine Toussaint, Salma Hayek, Lucy Liu, or even Jayma Mays would be a complete and utter lie. She’s really only in one scene with Wilhelmina, in a few quick-to-shoot scenes with extras and something to cut to occasionally, and the gag is that Wilhelmina locks her in a cleaning cupboard.

The whole story being that, despite it being the wedding of the season for the fashion world, Victoria Beckham still upstages Willy and her old man because when a UK celebrity really takes America, they take America. That’s why most Americans haven’t heard of Robbie Williams. Davina McCall, Alan Sugar, Terry Wogan, every single one of Girls Aloud, Take That, Westlife, Suzie Quatro, Atomic Kitten, and as a tie-in to the opening line, it would be Just My Luck that my editor won’t know McFly either. This guest appearance was literally “the Beckhams are big; let’s do it.”

For all that the episode does, the majority of the set pieces around Betty, namely: Betty and Henry move in, and Betty and Papi fight, are resolved and reset by the mid-point of act 3. We got nothing of Claire, Marc is being a jealous little gay when his big gay has a shave and wash, Victoria Beckham isn’t staying around or impacting anything; we’re just at the start of the Stuart stuff; and Amanda does a cover of Kelis’ “Milkshake” worse than Richard Cheese. The only lasting impact would be that Daniel fires Betty because he’s a child and Bradford has a heart attack at the altar.

Oh yeah, by the way, this is the episode where Bradford kind of, maybe, ever so slightly, dies. See, there is a bit of heart in that situation because a central character kind of drops to the floor like a corpse being flung off the Empire State Building. Though, Alan, it would have been nice if you didn’t blink when lying there in the wide shot, just saying. So yeah, that’s a thing.

As an episode, it is a bit of fun in places. There is a bit of reasonable drama, and then we have the chunk where I need to talk about Henry. Am I saying “A Nice Day for a Posh Wedding” is a bad episode? No, it is fine; it is fun; it is actually more fun than I’ve had in a few episodes; I just don’t like trying to analyze the Betty-Henry stuff because he’s awful. I like Christopher Gorham well enough – he was god-awful in Leverage: Redemption, though – he’s not generally a bad actor or bad in the role; it is the character of Henry that annoys me.

Ultimately, “A Nice Day for a Posh Wedding” is a fun romp of an episode if you can look past this Will They-Won’t They relationship of Betty and Henry. Sure, a proper Will They-Won’t They is ever getting together, whereas here it is: Will they stay together? I’ll burst your bubble. There are technically two other love interests of Betty’s already in the season. There is a bit too much resetting and filler to say it is a great episode for pushing the plot along, but we do have Bradford collapsing on TV and Betty being fired. So swings and roundabouts.

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Ugly Betty “A Nice Day for a Posh Wedding”

7

Score

7.0/10

Pros

• A Christina story.
• Vicky and Wang for the sake of it.
• Sure, let's kill off Bradford now.

Cons

• Henry is a red flag.
• Daniel is not listening to Betty.