It was never the same without a slightly and progressively more drunk/catty Terry Wogan. This episode was directed by War of the Worlds season 2 director Ben A Williams. Williams is probably “best” known for his series of short films released on YouTube, Tube Tube, a series of short dramas set in the tube. Moving swiftly on, writer Juno Dawson helms the episode, previously working on audio drama series Touchwood, I mean Torchwood, Torchwood: The Story Continues, the Big Finish Doctor Who: New Series Adventures, and eventually the BBC audio drama podcast, Doctor Who: Redacted. Now, if only the two of them could work out, there were better-looking humanoid cats in the series.

Before I even get into the episode itself, I’m going to keep in mind Hanlon’s razor: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” Is that saying Russell and Juno are stupid? No, but we’ll get to the relevance of that philosophical adage and quote. So vindicating once again to pinpoint May 24th when the world apparently disappeared, as seen in “The Robot Revolution.” But if you’re seeing this, that Genie is a liar and I want to pull his earring out with the force of a thousand suns. 

Blah blah blah, faux-Eurovision, blah blah blah, the creative team ignores the political aspect to a degree, and blah blah blah, let’s have another Z-list English celebrity who travels about as well as a Gammon-faced Reform voter outside of Magaluf. The Interstellar Song Contest (the competition) is Eurovision in all but name, ballooned up to be a galactic festival of music and questionable decisions. A bit like the real thing if we’re honest. If only it were 90% gayer, maybe I’d have enjoyed the episode a lot more.

Just so we can continue without confusion, the “Z-list English celebrity” is Rylan Clark, who came in 5th in a series of The X Factor; the scar Simon Cowell will leave on this planet when that Lord Farquaad face leaves us. Somehow, he’s more popular than that year’s winner, James Arthur, and to put that in context, it would be like RJ Helton being more popular than Kelly Clarkson. If there is one thing I’m not loving about Russell’s second run as showrunner, it has to be his insular look at “quick, let’s get a guest star.” My toilet has had more famous skidmarks.

Nonetheless, the man who can be spotted on the blindest gaydar from a mile away has progressed to host the final of this poor, faded facsimile of Eurovision. An edition that is not only more corporate but also has lost a lot of that “shine.” Where’s Lordi, where’s Käärijä, where’s Verka? I won’t shy away from it, I think the episode is a bit tone-deaf in what it is trying to do or wanting to say, trying to somewhat obscure its weaknesses to the drooling dimwits that watch Love Island so they don’t realize the planet is in ruin and we’re destroying it.

If I wasn’t ranting last time out, I’ll make up for it here, and there is a major controversy to do with Eurovision itself and the larger White-centric Western world. In 2014, Russia did that thing where a small man with the ego of a moon decided to annex Crimea. Later that May, during Eurovision, the Russian entry was booed. Since then, in particular, it was common for Russia to be booed, but intermittently, Israel would be too. Roll on 2022, Russia and Belarus invade Ukraine in an all-out war, and the world finally decides to put in place sanctions and “punishments.”

I promise that this will make total sense here in a second. Russia has been kicked out of Eurovision. Additionally, Russian drivers sort of can’t (they can in a roundabout way) compete in FIA-sanctioned sports, and there are countless other light “punishments” for that whole Ukraine business. So October 7th, 2023, was just another day, just as April 25, 1920, September 29th, 1923, and May 14th, 1948 are just dates following the fall of the Ottoman Empire. However, the Israeli response to the horrible events of October 7th, 2023, is what is relevant here, with many Eurovision fans voicing displeasure once again that Israel is allowed to stay.

What is happening, where war crimes are being committed according to international law, where those crimes are being broadcast in real-time, and the fact politicians are funding it with your taxes is not my concern right now. Whether Israel should or shouldn’t be in Eurovision is fairly black and white, but again, that’s not why I’m here. I’ll happily rant about those things in another place and another time, but “The Interstellar Song Contest” uses that idea of a music contest, a glossed-over political issue, and people being second-class in their own birthplace. That’s why I am giving the full context before I go into the episode’s details.

The Grand Final of The Interstellar Song Contest is taking place as The Doctor and Belinda arrive to vindicate once again, and of course, Belinda is excited about Rylan. How else will the American/international audience know he’s “important?” Listen, he’s not a great actor, but he’s fine here. Nonetheless, the control room where the whole broadcast is being produced for trillions of beings is taken over, full-terrorism-style by Tiefling-looking people known as Hellions. Subtle, I know. Long story short, the lead Hellion, Kid, vents the atmosphere in the arena, sending millions out into the vacuum of space.

He and his sister also set up a magic “make terrorism happen through TV” bomb thing, which will kill everyone watching the song contest. You know, a small number of beings, just three trillion. Here’s the thing: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” The Hellions in this flimsy, hardly thought-out metaphor are the Palestinian people: the ones bombed, displaced, and generally treated as second-class.

Poppy Honey is a mega-corporation sponsor that bombed, displaced, and ruined the lives of the Hellions, even starting a smear campaign that the Hellions are the worst of the worst people. Sound like anyone or anything to you? It obfuscates the issue (particularly of Moroccanoil) a lot, with Dawson and the wider creative team at the very least looking like idiots by the end of the episode. Kid is ultimately the poisoned chalice of characters, willing to kill millions, billions, or trillions to become the villain Poppy Honey paints his people as.

One of the millions that are sucked off (indeed) into space is The Doctor, with Belinda staying and meeting one of the contestants for the song contest. Cora Saint Bavier is the focus of the contest, as is typical. You either have the year focused around some Far-Eastern European doing a novelty song that is the worst use of me so Espresso, or some warbling ballad nonsense typically in French and probably from Switzerland. Zoë, the most interesting thing, alongside your nice voice, was the camera work. Maybe pick something other than a ballad next time love.

My being faux-condescending to a talented woman named Më aside, that’s the spot for Cora. However, she’s not entirely honest, even to the guy who is effectively her handler. Cora is also a Hellion, but Hellions are banned from the competition, so she cuts off her horns and disguises herself. The show’s director (not the episode, just the song contest) even says that hiring Hellions is not a common practice. They are treated as second-class in a universe that crossed over with Star Trek, at least shun proper things like JJ Abrams.

Cora and Kid are supposed to be the opposites of the idea of revolution or fighting for your own oppressed people. Whether or not it is the intention because of the analogy, Kid is supposed to be the stand-in for Hamas and Cora is supposed to be children, foreign college students protesting across the globe, and everything that is supposed to be seen as the good people (those that survive) when the history books are written, typically by White folks thousands of miles away. That’s if some don’t burn the books first.

However, it is done so poorly, and with meat cleavers for hands, that (quite frankly) I don’t think Chris Chibnall would have done much worse. Yeah, that’s where I’m at. A man who can’t write for Toffee could have probably written or showran this episode and done no worse. There is no more damage you could do after this one. It goes so far beyond what Doctor Who is, was, and always has been that it almost becomes everything I moaned about with Chibnall.

I think Peter’s (12th Doctor) regeneration speech said it best, talking to the next Doctor, he (the character) says, “I’ve got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first. Never be cruel, never be cowardly. […] – hate is always foolish…and love, is always wise.” I’ll disagree with the cowardly line, “Coward. Any day.” However, Moffat’s final Doctor (hopefully) and Moffat’s final regeneration speech got the character right. I’ll disagree with many other parts of that characterization in 12, but in that moment, that’s the character in its entirety. Why have I gone on that rant?

With Kid’s venting the atmosphere of the arena, The Doctor is sucked off into space. Magic alien stuff aside, he manages to survive in space for a few minutes and Heat Signature himself back through an airlock. From there, he’s angry and wants to go after whoever just did that, foiling their plans, typical Doctor Who stuff. However, it isn’t just anger that’s building, he works with the gays, who I’m sure the Daily Mail readers (why are you here watching Doctor Who?) think are constantly telling them that those two men are gay.

The whole light projection/hologram thing, “I’m in the room with you, oh wait, I’m not hahaha” is fine. It’s what happens after this that gets on my nerves. Using Mattel’s Power Glove for the NES, The Doctor does sci-fi nonsense, turning a hologram into “hard light,” which I believe everyone that’s LGBTQ+IA just calls “the big light” in the living room, and from there he decides to cruelly torture Kid. Not because he’s killed anyone, spoiler, because he hasn’t, even since entering the control room. He’s just shown as the poisoned chalice, a petulant little child of a character who is angry at the world/universe.

So with the NES Power Glove, this Doctor repeatedly shocks and cruelly attacks Kid simply because they are both angry. Going beyond the fact that this is all using the background of Eurovision and Israel’s continued participation while bombing schools and hospitals, this isn’t the character of The Doctor. “Well, what about…?” Sure, what about The 9th Doctor in “Dalek” or 10th in “The Christmas Invasion,” “The Family of Blood,” “The Doctor’s Daughter,” “The Next Doctor,” “The Waters on Mars,” and sure let’s throw in “The End of Time” too. What about them then?

The 9th Doctor comes right after John Hurt’s War Doctor, the destruction of Gallifrey, and the Time War, where he had to destroy every Time Lord and Dalek. That’s trauma from seeing a surviving Dalek. As for Tennant and 10, that’s summed up in two lines, one at the start after regenerating, and one at the end. 10 is characterized as “No second chances. I’m that sort of a man.” Then, towards the end of his run in “The Waters on Mars” he claims himself, once again due to trauma, as The Time Lord Victorious; purposefully going against character because of trauma and hatred for himself.

I hate to say it, but Ncuti’s Doctor doesn’t have any of that; he hasn’t had enough episodes. Especially here. Bi-regeneration was supposed to somewhat take all that War-14th Doctor trauma and let the show move on. It was meant to take the heavy stuff and let the show reset. We’ll get to that here in a minute. The fact it is just some random kid who’s angry at the universe doesn’t warrant scorched-Earth, “kill him!” torture – the TV bomb thing that would kill trillions was dealt with and the people sucked off into space are frozen. Just this once, Rose, again, everybody lives.

This might be spoilers, but otherwise, the episode is inconsequential up to a point. Basically, The Doctor tortures Kid, Cora is guided by the power of friendship and fairy farts to reveal she’s from Hellia, and she sings a powerful, quiet ballad from her planet at the end of the show. Everyone, including Mrs Flood and Rylan is defrosted from space, and nothing of consequence happens. That’s until Mrs Flood bi-regenerates, wasting the fact that it was supposed to be something special and a one in 32 sextillion chance (or whatever), revealing in fact that she’s “A Rani.”

“Although she’s become A Rani, while I’m THE Rani! The definite article, so to speak,” Indeed, I remember Terrance Dicks’ “Robot” too. However, I also believe this regeneration and particularly this Doctor was supposed to be a somewhat fresh start. It was intended to be a steady rollout of ideas to get new fans of the series, right down to calling it a season again (still series 15), making burbling noises drown out the fact that it is a straight continuation from the 2005 reboot. What next? Are we going to bring up the seal of Rassilon? Omega? Are we going to talk about Robert Holmes’ “The Deadly Assassin” while we’re at it?

Just so my editor doesn’t shout at me for going on a rant without explaining it: The Rani was a “Time Lady” before Missy, but was entirely supposed to be The Master in all but name. She was played by the wonderful Kate O’Mara, known for lots of films and shows in the late-20th century, but at the time she played Caress Morell in the American soap opera, Dynasty. If we’re honest, the stories by Pip and Jane Baker were crap but in that camp Doctor Who way that is aimed at a UK audience. That says nothing of the EastEnders charity crossover by John Nathan-Turner.

My problem isn’t The Rani, so much that the character of The Rani is something that could still be referenced, it is Russell. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, he’s the reason I fell in love with Doctor Who in the first place. However, this whole Ncuti-era was supposed to be a fresh new start after Tennant pulled eyes back in, and we got new eyes in with a new Doctor. Nonetheless, what we’ve had are several alright episodes, mostly written by Russell, almost all of which are part of a large arc about gods and such, and nostalgia.

Much like Sutekh, much like Chibnall’s thing about bringing back the Sea Devils, Chibnall taking the Sontarans back to the terrible crappy look, and even The Toymaker, The Rani is someone you need to know in context. I don’t want to say it “spoils” Mrs Flood like she’s meat that’s gone bad, but this was the build? For her to be subservient to this new Rani, and she isn’t even doing the fob-watch job. It feels like a fart you’ve held in all day, and it doesn’t even make a good sound when it does come out, it’s just wet.

This isn’t a Missy reveal; it is so far from Rose in “Partners in Crime,” it is subterranean to YANA, and so far below the knocks on the glass in “The End of Time.” The line “I’m the Rani. The definite article” is just fan-service for people older than dust that watch and care about Terrance Dicks stories. Folks like me, and I really don’t like it. This has added nothing, yet it is supposed to be a massive moment. The last of the Time Lords, kinda, again… It is a reveal that is about as well done as “The spy-Master.”

If you can somehow remove your head from the politics that “The Interstellar Song Contest” is trying to play with, I’m sure it is a fine episode. However, it is impossible to look at such an episode critically while being honest and saying that the Eurovision-Israeli controversy isn’t at the heart of it. The troubling thing is that it tries to paint the whole thing in two shades of black and two shades of white, being nothing but a superficial look at not only this show but also the conflict it wants to talk about. I don’t think it was malicious. I think it was ignorance.

Not only is Kid tortured by this Doctor’s cruelty, something very Chibnall-era, but the name alone in the show’s history sort of says it all. For the Big Finish story “Absolution” from 2007 there were beings called Hellions, who are described as trans-dimensional parasites. Having the stand-ins for Palestinians being named the same as something described in the universe as parasites while doing this torture thing — I’m just disappointed. I mean it when I say Chibnall couldn’t have done much worse. His dialog would be, but his plot points probably would have been the same.

The best thing about this story, “The Interstellar Song Contest,” was probably the side characters. Gary and Mike are lovely blokes, and I like Cora’s actress Miriam-Teak Lee. The song at the end of the show, the one that’s basically “I’ll sing a song that will stop the mega-corporation from seeking profit on my homeworld,” is fine. What I could do without musically is Murray Gold, ‘cause he’s getting on my nips. If it’s not needlessly big and bombastic, it is still blowing out the mix and making things difficult to hear or care about.

“The Interstellar Song Contest” is probably great if you’re the type of person, like Belinda, to get excited about Rylan Clark. Yes, I’ve seen his video after the series finished on Saturday, it’s sweet and charming, but I’m not a middle-aged housewife who watches This Morning as I get the kids to school. I’m not giving it half my attention as I do something else. I can see the clumsy metaphors and poor understanding of the character. While I’m at my most psychotic rant, if I hear that Dugga Doo thing again, I’ll go on a Malcolm Tucker-style psychotic rage binge.

Ultimately, “The Interstellar Song Contest” is filled with clumsy, poorly conceived metaphors telling a story not with malice but ignorance, misunderstanding the show to mischaracterize The Doctor as needlessly cruel. Once again delving into – I don’t want to say niché lore, but certainly deep lore – that we don’t get proper context for. Given how the series has been written, I don’t think we’ll even get that context either. I’d have liked to have thought these needlessly cruel episodes died with Chibnall, but they’ve sadly continued with as much explanation as before.

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Doctor Who "The Interstellar Song Contest"

3

Score

3.0/10

Pros

• Cora's actor is great.
• I like the two gay fellas, they're nice.
• Graham!
• Bucks Fizz.

Cons

• A story with cruel, stupid, clumsy, and poorly conceived metaphors.
• But really, The Rani?
• Another bi-regeneration.
• The Doctor's cruelty isn't the character.
• No, but what is a Rylan?