Monday, there are several DLCs now available for Supermarket Simulator. Tuesday, EA laid off Battlefield staff after a massive release, and 90s nostalgia sim RPG Forge of the Fae is coming in 2027. Wednesday, V-bucks are about to get V-ery F-ing expensive, everyone (including Alexx) is whistling a tune up Telsa’s leg like a stripper looking for a tip, and there is an arcade basketball game set to highlight the history of the Globetrotters. Thursday, Smash ‘N Grab has a demo out now for a wonderful-looking game, and Moonlighter 2 got another early access update.

Moving on to the Epic Games Store and we’re back to a double bill because wet fart noises are totally mature and called for with this nonsense. We’ll start with the thing I have no affinity for, BlackMill Games’ Isonzo, or as it would be called in Slovenia, Soča. Based on the Isonzo/Soča front, Isonzo is a multiplayer first-person reenactment of the battles in World War I with added 21st-century memes by morons who weren’t funny a decade ago and still aren’t. There is also a fun park on the shores of the river in Slovenia, right next to the rapids on the border.

Up next is Spry Fox’s 2021 cozy life-sim, Cozy Grove. Which, if we’re honest, was about a year and a handful of months too late for the pandemic boom that Animal Crossing saw. That’s exactly what Cozy Grove falls into, something you play for an hour or two a day as it runs in real time and will be based on your PC’s clock. The trouble I have with an Animal Crossing-like that is glued to your PC is that you’re sat at your PC… Unless you play it on a Steam Deck. Animal Crossing is a play in bed, play while pooing, or play on the couch while watching TV game, not stuck at a PC game.

The mobile offering this week being 2017’s Wonder Boy: The Dragon’s Trap, a remake of 1989’s Wonder Boy III: The Dragon’s Trap. What happened to numbers, I liked numbers (that’s a nice boulder), numbers were good, you could tell which game came first with numbers. Developed by Lizardcube and published by Dotemu, this remake was generally favored upon release, for PC and consoles, but it is an action platformer that you’re expected to play on a phone. Sorry, but my phone is neither the size of your mum’s cheeks nor are my thumbs the size of your dad’s sausage.

All this week, you can pick up Isonzo and Cozy Grove on the Epic Games Store for PC, with Wonder Boy: The Dragon’s Trap on the Epic Games Store for mobile, until the 19th of March. Little to my knowledge, last Sunday the US changed times again, so if you’re in the likes of the UK you can pick up next week’s offering an hour earlier than usual. As for next week, it is another double bill with free-to-play nonsense starting with World of Warships‘ Epic Anniversary Tachibana Pack. The second offering is Electrician Simulator, or as I call it, ouch.

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