“You’re not here to stitch, you’re here to snitch… [continued by Marc] she needs information, bitch!” Finally, a Christina and Justin-focused episode, I’m all here for it! Directed by James Hayman, it is kind of upsetting me how quickly we’re getting through his work, especially as he only has one more episode this season. We’re at the end of Cameron Litvack’s run with Ugly Betty as a writer; he stays on until the end of the season as co-producer until “East Side Story.” If you think that’s the gayest showtune reference this season, I’ve got some fabulous news for you.

So let me get this right, Daniel. You stood up dating and sleeping with Lucy Liu. Not to be a horn-dog, but brother, are you on crack?!?! Given the number of hallucinations Betty is having after Claire Meade told her who killed Fey Sommers and Amanda told her to kill Charlie, I think maybe she’s his dealer. Meanwhile, after coming back from the dead, Alexis is being disowned by everyone she’s ever known, and it is totally not about those friends being transphobic. Yeah, I’m sure even Jesus had problems having lunch dates with friends after he came back to life, that’s why he hung out with hookers and the poor.

With Wilhelmina trying to get Alexis back on side after the bumper car scene, where she reconciled with her brother, the wicked witch of the Upper East Side sends Marc to help Christina. The same Christina McKinney who was blackmailed to be part of Mode’s “10 designers to watch” showcase during Fashion Week, and is now getting calls from Sarah Jessica Parker (who?) to design a dress for her for the Oscars. The Oscars, which she’s leaving for tomorrow, so Christina needs to make an original dress overnight. Also, it is one of those classic New York February blizzards, and Justin is taking his dad to see Hairspray on Broadway. Told you it got gayer!

I do love little Mark Indelicato doing that “Good morning, Baltimore!” piece this time out. If only I could talk about that all this episode for nearly 2000 words – I didn’t aim to go as long this week. Claire Meade was drinking after the bumper car scene, last time out in “Brothers” (still feels wrong), and that’s where she told Betty that she’s the one who killed Fey Sommers. Not just told her that Claire’s the one who killed Fey, Claire tells Betty exactly how she did it: Cut Fey’s brakes, followed Fey in her Aston Martin, and Claire watched her wrap her car around a tree.

Yes, no Tim Gunn this time, but I’ll repeat his words, “Scandal, and sex change, and murder – oh my!” I don’t even think that’s the bit that will shock my editor the most; it is somewhat signposted. So, with Betty shouting that in the office because that’s the type of thing you do when your boss’s mother admits to murdering someone, you scream it at your boss as the UPS guy drops something off in the middle of an open-plan office. So, of course, Daniel goes to see Bradford in prison to see if he knows anything about this, to which Bradford says he needs a better lawyer, he needs “The Chin.”

Can we take a moment to point out that phone calls between murderers and their visiting family members within the prison are also recorded? I don’t want to skip over that fact in case someone thinks I’ve gone mad, but that’s the type of show Ugly Betty is today. Shouting who murdered the ex-EIC of the magazine and telling the guy in prison about that, like nothing is being recorded and checked over.

So, The Chin is someone Daniel used in College to get ahead, and it just so happens to be New York’s hottest lawyer (both senses of the word), Grace Chin. Played by the fantastic Joan Watson, Alex in that one Charlie’s Angels film, or O-Ren Ishii, quite simply known as Lucy Liu. Who is also meant to be part of The Devil Wears Prada 2 at the time of writing, to which I ask, who wanted that? I love the first. I can’t say much of a bad word about it, but really, a sequel?

Yeah, anyway, back to this Grace Chin thing, Daniel was a man-whore who was offered sex with a woman who claimed she was a virgin (a bit like Mary with Jesus), meanwhile, Daniel was supposed to go on a date with Asian Betty. Any other time, even I’d call that a risky race joke, but she’s shown in a sweater, braces, glasses, thick hair, and just a Betty minus the Guadalajara poncho. Turns out that Grace had her own Anne Hathaway moment, and something tells me that Daniel might just be regretting that.

I’m already 800-ish words in, shall we talk about Justin? So last time out, Hilda was being insulted in Justin’s school for dressing like “a slut mom,” and before Santos knew this, he had assumed that Justin couldn’t defend himself. He couldn’t defend himself because he’s a “nancy boy” or a “Jesse,” or any basic level homophobic slurs that I’m sure he’d have loved to use against his own son for liking musicals, going to fabric stores, and not caring about sports. Well, he gets the shock of his life when Hilda invites Santos to some father-son bonding time, just not telling him what.

Justin forced Hilda to get three mid-week evening show tickets to Hairspray. Indeed, “oh, oh, oh…” Obviously, he’s not too pleased about it when he finds out and is quite literally in the running for the worst parent of the century award, asking Hilda just to take him to the show while Santos dips out to watch the Knicks game at a bar. I’m with Hilda, “Ahh, father-son bonding on the E train.” The weather has other plans, though, as the blizzard that is ruining everything is also going to affect that E Train ride into the city.

Curtain time for Hairspray comes, and Justin becomes (ha, “becomes”) a sassy little diva until he starts reenacting the entire play, musical numbers and all, on the subway train, twirling around the poles, and maybe getting too close to that one guy that’s always on the subway. The guy you can’t quite tell if he’s going to touch you or touch himself. Honestly, given the risks the show is already taking, I wouldn’t be surprised if Justin also did the line: “You better come on down and meet the nicest kids in town, Woo! Nice White kids who like to lead the way, and once a month we have ‘Negro Day!’.”

John Waters was never a shy boy, no, and neither was Silvo Horta. Of course, it is cut up and spread throughout other storylines we’ve also got to get to, but yeah, the blizzard stops the train, and Justin does the entire musical, including stage direction. Eventually, some guy played by Frank Gallegos speaks up, telling Justin to “give it a rest,” of course with the subtext of “I don’t want to hear more of this gay [stuff] anymore.” It practically goes without saying that, yeah, 2006-07’s idea of redemption for a parent who’s been homophobic is the bare minimum.

Sometimes, when little to nothing is being done to speak up for gay teens, that bare minimum speaks volumes to kids who didn’t feel seen or protected. After the guy calls Justin a “Fairy!” under his breath, that’s it! Hilda is ready to pull out her earrings. Yet Santos is treated like a great hero as he stares Gallegos’ passenger down with the intent of “I’ll rip you to pieces and sell off your flayed skin as jewelry, as everyone watches, if you speak that way about my son again.” It isn’t that bit that’s impactful alone, it’s when he tells Justin to tell him more about “the Hairspray.”

It’s not full redemption, I’d like to see more from Santos, of course. Nonetheless, this scene in particular is always one that’s remembered, maybe as much or possibly more than the scene in the bar. Also snowed in to a sports bar where the Knicks game is on, Wilhelmina is taking Alexis to the opera at The Met, but we’re starting to be drip-fed “THOSE” lines we’ll have plenty of time to talk about. Playing a basketball arcade/bar game with some low-ranking office drones, Alexis feels more comfortable here with the guys.

Mincing words isn’t my favorite topic: The guy she’s spending the most time with is trying to get her number for a bet, “I don’t live in a cave, DUDE. I know exactly who you are, and I don’t hit on freaks unless I’m getting paid for it.” Cue that Wilhelmina punch gif I have used 10000 times and that I love to bits. It’s just boof! and knocks the guy sparko – I love it. Mostly because of the whole dynamic: Vanessa Williams punching and kicking a guy down for being transphobic, Rebecca Romijn’s fantastic reaction, oh, and the guy playing this dirtbag, Joel, is Jerry O’Connell, Rebecca Romijn’s husband.

I’ve said my piece on Ugly Betty’s messy but well-intentioned (sometimes) storylines about LGBTQ+IA people, even for the time, particularly about Alexis. What I want to cover quickly is the editorial I stumbled across (which I won’t link) the other week that said: Alexis isn’t a good trans character, Wilhelmina is a better representation of the trans experience in the series overall. I don’t agree (but I can’t disagree) with that, and in fact, I find it quite disrespectful not only to Vanessa Williams alone but to all Black women. I’m not attacking the writer of that piece, who themselves is trans, but I can’t ignore that after this scene.

Listen, I’m Whiter than milk and pass so easily as cis-hetero that I have no credit in either fight; I was dealt the Straight Flush (literally) in life, and I have no problems until I open my mouth. Speaking of which, here I am opening my mouth. Stating that the trans character in a show isn’t representative of you is fine, but to claim another character who is characterized under her race, her independence, and occasional ability to do “typically masculine” things, like punch a transphobic guy out in a bar, feels… wrong?

It feels like someone is using a patriarchal idea of masculinity to justify their own dislike or hatred of a character they feel doesn’t represent them as well as they wish said character would. I get it, Alexis is great in this first little bit, then has quite a few character issues later on. However, claiming another character that represents Black women in particular because of your own dislike feels almost like straw-clutching to justify within yourself why you might feel that way.

As I say, dislike the character that is supposed to represent you, but you feel doesn’t. That is something that I do a lot with the likes of Scottish characters, particularly Scotty in Star Trek, but I have never said that someone else’s representation would be a better representation of me and who I am. Given the scene, if I didn’t bring this up right now, I don’t know if there was a better place to do it. Yes, I’ll heap praise on the reveal, but I don’t think I’ll leave what is going to become quite egregious to go freely just because of this.

I’ll try to be quick on this story because, quite frankly, right now I have no interest in it the same way I had no interest in Walter. So Henry went home to the desert for Christmas and hooked up with his slut-ex Charlie. Played by the delightful Jayma Mays, who you might know better from Glee, The Smurfs, and the awful 2007 parody film, Epic Movie. From one love triangle to another mathematical problem with Betty at the center – listen, if you feel the need to tell me about the multiple centers, I’ll just link you to the reference.

Obvious complications happen, as Betty offers to take Henry to a party that Daniel was supposed to go to, but he can’t go, so he suggests, “Why not take Charlie,” whom Betty will love. Then Amanda tells Betty to push Charlie in front of a train because, of course, she’s that kind of catty “friend.” We have more of Betty’s hallucinations, and suddenly, Charlie is lost on the subway during a blizzard, and Betty feels awful before confessing her feelings for Henry. Indeed, a play about pieces of feces.

The Henry storyline is a weird one because you see him, you see Betty look at him, you see him look at Betty, and you just get it! These are two people who are effectively made perfect for each other. In a conversation on the Michael Urie and Becki Newton podcast Still Ugly, they have Chris Gorham (who plays Henry), and he talks about the little things writers and actors would do to make it that way. Originally, he wasn’t set to have glasses, but when he does, Henry and Betty have little moments they share about them. They feel “perfect” for each other.

Then you throw in this complication of Charlie and what is to come from that, which makes it messy and a bit realistic. It is the start of this messy nonsense, but for the most part, it is such a nothing story in comparison. You have Daniel finding Lucy Liu attractive now, Justin being a “fairy” and his dad standing up for him, the most despicable woman of the Upper East Side coming in to help her trans friend deal with a transphobic guy, and then you have Betty hallucinating because of stress and a lack of sleep.

Ultimately, “Derailed” isn’t a “Fey’s Sleigh Ride” of being perfectly written, ending on that really impactful moment, and generally being so lovely. If I’m honest, some bits make it too messy and cluttered to have as much time with the moments of impact. I love and adore both the scenes with Justin on the train singing Hairspray and the scene where Wilhelmina KO’s Jerry for Alexis; they have great endings but show some hard realities (albeit exaggerated). Litvack’s last story is probably best remembered for its moments rather than its plot, for good or bad.

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Ugly Betty “Derailed”

7.5

Score

7.5/10

Pros

• Some great, unforgettable moments.
• I will fight anyone who doesn't want to hear about The Hairspray!
• How - the eff - do you stand up dating Lucy Liu?
• Wilhelmina is a villain, not a horrible person.
• Marc and Amanda are becoming friends.

Cons

• We're getting closer to those troubling lines about Alexis.