I don’t even need to say a funny line to make this one look bad. Giving the credits for our director this time out won’t make it any better either, as in the 90s she directed a Tim Herlihy and… Adam Sandler film, Billy Madison. Tamra Davis has done work after that, like Hanson’s “MMMBop” video, but do you care? While arguably the worst episode of season 1 of Ugly Betty is written by James D Parriott, the creator of Forever Knight starring X-Men’s Jean Grey and Phoenix Force voice actor, Catherine Disher. He also wrote that discomforting (but good) episode of Sons of Anarchy, “Patch Over.”

No need to muck about here, the episode means nothing, and we know that because this was supposed to be the fourth episode, but for production reasons, it wasn’t. Depending on what version you see, there are scenes supposed to suggest this was a flashback episode, but if you’re watching the DVDs, you’re not seeing those apparently. Yes, even the stellar people at ABC (read with sarcasm) didn’t bother to fix that. So what is the plot? Christina is cleaning out the closet of clothes, not the gays, and there is a fashion show that makes Betty look like she did early on.

It feels weird to say it is a regression of the character when you put it in context, but if you’re watching this in order of how the show was broadcast, it is. Daniel is portrayed as a himbo. It looks nothing like New York in December, Sofia isn’t even mentioned, everyone’s still shallow and catty, and Betty doesn’t feel as comfortable yet. The two major moments that nail this point home is Daniel saying “Henry something or other from accounting,” and the paycheck scene, where Betty says “this is my first paycheck.” First, after Thanksgiving and Christmas?

Set to entertain an eccentric Japanese fashion designer simply called Oshi, Daniel is concerned he can’t pull this job off. He doesn’t know Japanese, he doesn’t wear only black and white, and he doesn’t think of himself as the most important person in the room. Well, he wouldn’t if this were the Daniel we know, not this end of “Pilot” characterization. For the benefit of my editor and possibly others, Oshi what you’d get if Hideo Kojima was a fashion designer, treated like Jesus’ big toe, but some just don’t understand the hype around him.

I don’t even want to say that “as an episode it is fine,” because I can’t really judge it on that, especially in this order. You could almost entirely take the episode out of the running order, make it a 22-episode season, and call it a day. We’ve not only moved on character-wise, but entirely as a show from this point. Ignacio is only fretting over the $200 for medication at this point; that’s the big family drama. Worse still, Walter is trying to get Betty back.

The very best thing I can say about “Swag” is Betty and the bag. Holding over a very important, nice-looking Gucci bag for Betty, Christina screws over Marc because Betty tells her about one just like it that she had from her mother when she was young. A fact that made Hilda annoyed because Betty used it to carry around her crayons. 19 years later, Betty feels just as important and pretty with this bag from the closet, something she has to give up to pay for Ignacio’s medication. #USAUSAUSA and all that, I’m sure.

Those scenes, and particularly the one with Hilda in Betty’s bedroom, aren’t just a comment on the slave wages of people like Betty or the disaster that is medicine in the US (I’d say worse, but I’d be fired). It is also a comment on the importance of fashion, even to people like Betty who say, “fashion doesn’t bother me.” The show is quite literally called Ugly Betty, and there is a deeper, ironic (proper meaning) to that, but the show is just as much about Betty discovering fashion as it is about her working in/around it.

Otherwise, the rest of the episode is really nothing. That’s, unless you want to talk about Wilhelmina supposedly having a BBL before BBLs were called that, and we just called them Brazilian Butt Lifts. Yes, I’ll believe Vanessa Williams got surgery when pigs fly – She is a very attractive woman. That’s practically an insult, right up there with the one I saw the other day while doing research that was racist, transphobic, and generally insulting to women who are shown to be powerful. Plus, twenty-five grand to lift your arse?

“Swag” ends with Daniel taking Oshi to a burger place called “White Tassle,” to give you a sense of the tone we’re working with here. It is a filler episode that is out of order in a show that has already moved on to bigger, better, and more important stories. Ultimately, is “Swag” bad? No, but is it good? No. It just exists and takes up 40-some minutes to tell us things we already know and have moved on from. It’s unnecessary, a bit like saying Vanessa Williams had cheek implants.

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Ugly Betty “Swag”

2.5

Score

2.5/10

Pros

• The feeling Betty has about the bag.

Cons

• Unnecessary all-round.
• You get a character regression and you get a character regression!
• I will not stand for this Vanessa Williams slander.
• Just a bit of a tired episode in general.