That’s it, I’m becoming racist towards Vulcans; it is the only logical option! Directed by Jordan Canning, this is her second episode of the season, having previously worked on “Charades.” I believe it was the philosopher and inventor Meat Loaf who said, presumably while roasting a block of minced beef, “one out of three is bad.” While showrunner Henry Alonso Myers is joined by Once Upon a Time and Supergirl writer, as well as writer of this season’s “A Space Adventure Hour,” Dana Horgan. Sadly, Horgan was also the co-writer for Strange New Worlds‘ most annoying episode, “Subspace Rhapsody.” I wonder if you can tell what kind of review this will be?

Despite being on the edge of the frontier and the flagship (of sorts) for the soon-to-be Federation, everyone is given three days’ shore leave… again. Five out of eight episodes have been episodes with active ship missions, four out of eight if you discount the episode about James T Kirk’s panic attack. Technically, there is a mission the crew is on this time out in “Four-and-a-Half Vulcans” (a title I hate on principle), but it is dealt with so quickly that it is quite literally played up as a comedy bit.

After a phone call from Vulcan High Command to deal with an impending threat to a pre-warp planet, to skirt the Prime Directive, an away team takes that Kherkovian serum from Canning’s “Charades.” Reverse-engineered to make La’an, Pike, Uhura, and Chapel Vulcan instead of making Spock human, the four become insufferable. Putting it lightly, if I were forced to be around them, I’d pull out my service phaser and fry my own brains or fling myself into the vacuum of space. To save you the trouble of watching “Four-and-a-Half Vulcans,” it is an SNL skit that’s somehow more painful and horrible to watch.

If I could go to Vulcan and smack them about a bit, maybe we wouldn’t be subjected to this drivel peddled as entertainment. I’m not exaggerating, that’s the plot. The crew is ordered to help with a planet’s nuclear plumbing. They turn themselves into Vulcans to avoid trouble, get the job done in minutes, return, then the reverse serum doesn’t work, and eventually they decide they’ll stay like this, driving everyone mad. I mean this with the politest bit of respect I could muster. I hate this episode and everyone in it.

Any bit of Star Trek that wants to use budget Beastie Boys (or the real thing) for the most mundane nonsense, yeah, I’m going to hate it. It was stupid in Beyond, and it is stupid here. Ok, so let’s talk about the episode and the reasons I’ve just said I hate Anson Mount, even though I’ve repeatedly said he could do no wrong, typically chewing the scenery in every moment beautifully. Right away, the crew is shuffled into the Medbay to be injected with this serum that we’ve seen work before, and a reminder: Spock still had difficulty being perceived as normal.

Pick up all the logic you have managed to learn from this show, carry it outside, and put it in the bin, because that’s what Myers and Horgan did. Seconds after being injected, the main four start rolling around like they were playing Mr President and have been shot, acting right up there with the Shakespearean works of that stoner in the park yelling in broken English and your 6-year-old niece drop-kicking the baby Jesus during a nativity play. Yet somehow, it gets worse from there.

Besides being instantly racist towards Spock, which is why the episode is called “Four-and-a-Half Vulcans,” it is just terrible writing. I say that’s the reason for the episode being called “Four-and-a-Half Vulcans,” but it could be a reference to Two and a Half Men, but you’d need to be on enough drugs that you could challenge Charlie Sheen to a topless fist fight outside a strip club to be that stupid. Keep in mind that at one point, that man’s blood had so many drugs in it, the value of his blood was more than the value of your house and your car combined.

I’m trying to be polite, but for the love of Vulcanus, I am genially angry at not just the episode or one writer but the whole thing. I haven’t been this angry since Doctor Who’s latest series finale, or more aptly, Chris Chibnal. Let me pull up a little quote from earlier this year from showrunners Akiva Goldsman, Henry Alonso Myers, and executive producer Alex Kurtzman, “[We’re] deeply grateful to Paramount+ for the chance to complete our five-season mission, just as we envisioned it, alongside our extraordinary cast and crew.” Are we sure we need those six extra episodes after next season?

With the utmost respect, you don’t need six more episodes when you waste episodes like this, late in your current season. That is nothing more than an insult to fans of the series. The thin veneer of plot for this episode (I’m sick of the name) is exhausted before we get to the opening credits, which Mount says in-that-very-slow-and-horrible-way-that-is-highly-dramatized-like-it-is-a-60s-show-lampooning-amature-theatre-dramatics. Or like Shatner “singing,” if you can call it that. “Oh, but he’s being Vulcan,” and I’m being tested to my wits’ end! Something only made worse by Patton Oswalt… No, really: Why are you here?

“I am so sorry for wrapping you up in all of this. It’s why I didn’t want to call him, I’m a completely different person around him,” and that right there is the problem of this episode. Aside from the fact that direction and writing seemed to come from people too stupid to write their own name in sand, everyone basically becomes someone else. Pike becomes Spock if he were more insufferable, La’an becomes a war criminal, Chapel becomes stupid in the name of broken logic, and Uhura becomes one of those creepy “love-gurus” for lonely men who can’t get it wet.

Topped off with Patton Oswalt showing up like Snow White’s 8th friend (who got canceled in the 30s for revealing Walt’s plan to freeze his head and store it under Epcot) after his shift in the mines, playing Doug. Doug the Vulcan. Doug the Vulcan, whom Una is irrationally horny for. Need I genuinely say any more than that? After 5 minutes, the episode was annoying, 10 minutes I wanted it to end, and 20 minutes in, and I was searching for a claw hammer to rip out my brain through my eye socket.

In fact, I can quite literally say this: the best bit of the whole episode is after the credits. You see, Oswalt’s Doug is a Vulcan who is fascinated by humans, human expression, and everything these weird little shaved chimps do. So after Spock agrees to teach Doug some of these hu-man customs in the episode, a post-credit montage of Spock and Doug are the best bit of an otherwise terrible episode. He’s teaching him contractions, high-fives, and things like “pull my finger.” Not all of it is going to make you laugh, but the timing on one of them is brilliant.

The horrible politics of the writing, which the writers either don’t know they are saying something disgusting or they know and don’t care, is something I really don’t want to touch. I didn’t touch it last time because it was spoiler-related, but this time it is at the core. Let’s just say that culture isn’t inherently in your DNA, the bad things done by your ancestors aren’t part of who you are as a person unless you allow it, and generally saying eugenics is correct is a bad thing. However, after the shambles that was “What Is Starfleet?” I don’t expect “Four-and-a-Half Vulcans” to do any better.

“Four-and-a-Half Vulcans” is a terrible episode from direction to writing, and I’m about to have a very long argument with a Pittsburgh sandwich shop chain because it is referenced here. The line from Ortegas is “Mitchell brought back sandwiches from Purmantee with the fries inside the sandwich? I told her to save you some, but she won’t, so…” with Purmantee being a play on Pittsburgh-based Primanti Bros. The sandwich in reference is “signature” to Primanti’s where they put “French fries” in between bread, and it is so revolutionary.

Hold on, I’m just getting news from the 1860s, that’s in fact a Chip Butty. Scotty is right there. If you want a culinary revolution that will spike the obesity rates in the US, give him a call. He’ll deep fry a whole pizza (yes, I know it’s Italian) with or without the batter for you, and you’ll get a bottle of Irn Bru for £10. I’m sure he can also deep-fry Haggis, a Mars Bar, and/or Cicken Balls in batter with a side of egg fried rice. How about square sausage on a well-fired roll?

Yes, I know the Purmantee/Primanti line isn’t important; it is probably the least important, but I’d rather give some levity after shouting about horrible things. The Primanti sandwich is a Chip Butty with delusions of grandeur, and if you’re not American, this is the most mundane thing to get excited about. Like the episode itself, it is putting a fresh bit of lead-based paint on something that is inherently bad for you when not acknowledged for what it is. I’m not saying eating food is bad; too much of one thing (including carbs alone) is always bad, but any amount of eugenics and terrible Star Trek writing will always be bad for you, no matter what.

To say I’ve lost faith in the production team is putting it somewhat lightly. Having beloved members of the crew be genetically modified to become Vulcans, those Vulcans to become instantly prejudicial against Spock, have it played up at “Logic” despite logic not being inherently genetic for Vulcans, and for each of the crew to become the extremes of personalities on the pretense of genetics, and the idea of Vulcan logic is deeply irresponsible. This is Chris Chibnal’s level of irresponsible, as bad as “they’ll see you for who you really are.” If I can put it so bluntly, everyone who okayed this needs to be questioned on what Star Trek truly is.

Ultimately, from top to tail, everyone who has ever touched this episode from a production standpoint needs to be questioned for their crimes against humanity. “Four-and-a-Half Vulcans” is a deeply unfunny (aside from one post-credits bit), dreadfully written, poorly acted, terribly directed, and the production design needs talking to for those 69 jackets. “Four-and-a-Half Vulcans” is like playing D&D with that one friend who is given the easiest options, is told by the group what is right, and yet at every single turn, they make the wrong decision because they find it funny. No one with brain cells is laughing.

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3

Score

3.0/10

Pros

• The post-credit scene.

Cons

• You made me think Spock was the best character in the entire episode.
• I don't know why anyone would ruin Anson Mount like this.
• I've seen more plot in my toilet bowl.
• Never do that with the soundtrack again. I will find you!
• Eugenics, again.