She’s back! This will be an odd one because it is a two-parter that isn’t written or directed by the same people, which is strange. “All That Glitters,” which is part 1, is directed by “invincible” director Michael Grossman, with writing coming from the “Unpredictable” and “Sight Unseen” writer, Thania St John. Part 2, “A Night in Global Dynamics,” is directed by “Family Reunion” and “Once in a Lifetime” director Michael Lange in his final outing. While the season 2 finale (the proper finale) is written by show co-creator and showrunner, Jaime Paglia.

I’m not allowed to say the name of Elton John’s first track from the Caribou album, but just know that’s what I’m thinking; that and the third track from Honky Chateau. So Zoe and nerd fantasy teen stand-in #1 are now a proper couple, he gives her a gift, and she wants to have a slumber party with five other young women… and maybe some young men too. Does she forget her dad owns guns? Anyway, a statue turns to gold, the town is in danger because it is like a virus spreading through metals, all based on ancient ideas of alchemy and magic.

Meanwhile, Nathan found out Beverly was in GITMO and thought it was a great idea to bring her back to Eureka. No, leave her there and let the CIA drown her, hang her upside down, keep her awake for 72 hours, punch her in the back of the head, maybe chop off a couple of fingers if they get in Henry Harold Humphries, and more. I don’t like Beverly, I think you now see how much. This two-parter really jumps the metaphorical shark of believable sci-fi mystery with her and firmly makes a right hash out of any sort of mystery at all.

So with the kids being alright and dating, Jack is figuring out the mystery of the once bronze statue turned gold outside Café Diem, as well as everything else metal turning to gold. I don’t want to say it is a half-baked idea, but it is supposed to be a vague idea of plot reasons to separate the cast in the second part. The big point of this two-parter is that Nathan agreed with the DOD to take Beverly Barlowe into his custody after Henry (our Henry) gave Stark the details about what she did to Kim. You know, the plot that’s been dragging the season down like Bloodborne’s Executioner does his weapon.

That scraping sound you hear isn’t just the sound of the hammer I’d use to torture that woman (and the writers behind her), but the sound of every bit of momentum the show has towards good favor being dragged back to step 1. Kevin’s autism isn’t just “I like trains and not talking to you weirdos” anymore; it is Rain Man magic with a hint of punching down and saying that you shouldn’t be able to do anything if you have autism. As everything that shines turns to gold, then rusts due to the “alchemist’s curse,” a pseudo-scientific formula that is incomplete and has been for centuries.

In premise, I don’t hate the idea of this alchemy nonsense; it mostly works and does everything you’d expect it to do in an episode of Eureka. It is the return of Beverly that really makes me want to buy an angle grinder and rip my face off, so let’s have a lengthy moan here about her plan. She killed Kim Anderson, whom you might have heard of but only saw for all of 20 minutes to this point, and that sent Henry off into a spiral of being a horrible person. Turning on his friend (not that way, you dirty bugger), and scheming to do something.

The last time we saw Beverly (that wasn’t the CCTV clip), she was in a car with a politician and making a deal about some shadowy cabal of poorly written nonsense that even the actors can’t believe. Now, with the help of Henry, she breaks free from Nathan’s black site and sets about kidnapping Kevin because he’s now got superpowers that are explained to have first happened off-screen. Great idea, make me hate Henry just as much as I hate Beverly, I’m sure that won’t make me bemoan your writing, Paglia.

Here is a question I need answered: Why? Why was it Kevin that The Artifact attached to and not Nathan or Kim? Why does Beverly need Kevin to break down shadow governments and other things that make me just want to make burbling noises over? I know I recently played a Metal Gear Solid game, but I’ll be honest, the idea of bipedal tanks that can fire nukes, organized by a shadow government of pre-World War 2 Illuminati, and special forces units made to constantly facilitate the need for war but never escalate to nuclear war makes more sense right now. Spoilers for the broad idea of Metal Gear, I guess.

I said it time and time again when I was talking about Chris Chibnall’s writing, but keep your story simple and tell it well. That’s genuinely the “secret” to good stories and good storytelling; you can add the complications on later, but tell it well first. I don’t think this is a well-told mystery. For one, what do we now know that we didn’t know before? I’ll take Jamie Paglia’s answer on a postcard, if you don’t mind, but I’ll listen to anyone here, though, as far as I can tell, it’s nothing.

We’re told that The Artifact can provide infinite knowledge and will help bring down a tyrannical shadow government, but isn’t that why you people have guns? The second bit, I mean, not the first bit, the guns are actually why you don’t have access to infinite knowledge – that and the book bans. It is more flowery language to (spoiler) extend the mystery further. My point quite simply is, what is the culmination of these stories? What is the culmination of two seasons of mystery thus far? We’re effectively reset and sent on our merry way by the end of “A Night at Global Dynamics.”

Threads are forgotten about, plot points shrugged at and ignored, and if I’m honest, some of the acting in that second part is laughable if you want me to believe this secret group in the shadows nonsense. That’s not the fault of the actors, though; the first job of storytelling is to convince the actors enough so they can convince me as a viewer. The Consortium, as they are called, isn’t going to mean anything to me as a viewer if all you’re doing is saying the name over and over while telling me how bad they are. It just doesn’t work.

It is clanging saucepans, shouting, “The end is nigh, the end is nigh, EPA! EPA! EPA!” Without the feeling of a real threat, because – to be quite derogatory – the budget and level of writing could never live up to that standard set out by its lofty ideas. We’ve just burned Henry as a friend, we’ve effectively shut down Carter and Allison, Kevin is said to be back to being a silent autistic child, and the town is saved from a flesh-eating metal virus born of ancient alchemy. As a finale, it feels like it pissed away two seasons of mystery, and as a teaser for season three, it lost my interest.

So what do I like about either part of this story? Taggart is fun, Zane got to pull his finger out and do something, and the corrosive metal thing turned flesh-eating airborne virus was an interesting idea. Then again, I would have found a claw hammer embedded in Beverly’s face quite interesting, so take that for what it is. Being honest, I quite like that Nathan finally removed his head from his hole and asked to remarry Allison. Mostly because I’d have gone back in time to smack him like A Pimp Named Slickback.

If you aren’t looking at the story from an analytical perspective, then yeah, it is fine. It isn’t good, and quite frankly, you’ll be heavily disappointed in the mystery fizzling out like a fart in a lift (“elevator” for Americans), but at least the alchemy plotline is reasonably entertaining. I say this all as someone who really isn’t interested in the magic and “oh look, I have mysterious powers” nonsense some shows do – I really didn’t like BBC’s Merlin. Yet even I’m sat with the alchemy idea here and enjoying, at least more than “I am trying to stop the shadow government/secret society!”

Ultimately, Beverly Barlowe can die in a shallow grave by the side of the road for all I care, her mystery plotlines are about as welcome as herpes. As a season finale, I think “All That Glitters… A Night at Global Dynamics” is a perfect encapsulation of a season that had an idea to start with, could have gone somewhere, did nothing for 80% of it, then rushed to tell you the government is run by lizard people. Of course, their idea was that only the mystery woman who talks in riddles can truly save the world. Hold on while I fish out a better mystery plot from the skidmarks on the inside of my toilet bowl.

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Eureka “All That Glitters… A Night at Global Dynamics”

4

Score

4.0/10

Pros

• Taggart is funny.
• Zane finally did something useful, and Stark proposed.
• I got to work in a reference to A Pimp Named Slickback.

Cons

• Someone shoot that woman!
• So many threads left wavering in the wind.
• So what did we learn or achieve from the start of the season?
• Kevin's autism is being played up as magic.
• "Join us next week as the mystery continues!" No.